The smell of raging hormones fills the warm campus air. Many of us are still left wondering if the jumbo box of condoms purchased at Costco was a savvy investment. As a brand spankin’ new semester begins to unravel, most of us young, studious individuals have one thing on our minds. Yes, you guessed it — SEX. In a matter of days relationships will blossom, virgins will be de-virginized and experimentation will occur outside of lab work. For those newly admitted students, this can be quite an overwhelming experience.
To avoid becoming besieged by the abundance of sex that is swarming our college campus, I find it best to treat finding a future mate with the same strategy one uses when dining at a Chinese buffet. Before opening the door, the sweet aromatic scents of General Tso’s chicken and beef lo mein fill your chaste nostrils, causing hunger pangs to drastically intensify. Of course, it is merely human nature to allow cravings to overcome good judgment. Nonetheless, you must restrain yourself before delving right into the buffet line. Likewise, you should not allow sexual urges to compel you to jump into the legs of the wrong person. College offers a smorgasbord of sexual opportunities, a dining experience that should not be hastened into. Rather, scope out the selection, come up with a game plan and carefully weigh your options.
Your first instinct will most likely be to head straight for the “meat.” It is strategically crucial to begin the extensive meal with something a little less intimidating, like wonton soup. Prevent burns and stomachaches by sipping your hot tea slowly and taking small, thoughtful bites. Keep in mind that you can always go up for seconds, so avoid piling too much food on your plate at once. It becomes progressively more daunting to find a significant other when taking on more than you can chew. Take advantage of the wide variety of students that campus has to offer. As the trite, yet truthful, saying so eloquently goes, variety is the spice of life … and so is sex, for that matter. Do not be intimidated by novel and different affairs. You may discover the most unique medleys are the most satisfying of all. However, if you overhear that the moo goo gai pan will cause severe flatulence — eat at your own risk.
Relationships are analogous to the exigent process of dining on king crab legs. Before getting underway, roll up your sleeves, pull out all appropriate tools and prepare for the arduous journey ahead. Attaining the savory meat of the crab entails a great deal of time and effort. As time proceeds and sweat beads begin to surface, you may ask yourself, “Is the small reward I’m working toward really worth the struggle?” Yet once you crack open that first leg, sinking your teeth into a good relationship validates the sweet fruit of your labor. And for those unfortunate souls who leave the buffet feeling a bit nauseous and remorseful, do not allow an unpleasant experience deter you from returning. Next time the fortune cookie just may work in your favor.