I’ve been a planner for as long as I can remember. At my freshman orientation, I wrote out a plan for the next four years: the clubs I’d join, the internships I’d participate in and the classes I’d take each semester. I had everything set, even down to a neat little plan B. In some ways, planning served me well. I fully attribute being able to graduate in three years with research and internship experience, my to-do lists and forward thinking.
Unfortunately, the downfall of planning is that you simply cannot prepare for everything. When life throws you a curveball, you’re sent into a tailspin of horrendous anxiety. What can I say? It happened to me. After a breakup, graduate school plans falling through and a few other hiccups, the detailed plan I made freshman year was destroyed.
I panicked, realizing that I was unhappy with the way my future was looking and heartbroken that my plan hadn’t come to fruition. I felt numb, terrified and angry. I couldn’t comprehend what had gone so wrong and spent hours wondering where the glitch in my plan was. The highly motivated and successful Anita faded away into a disillusioned and exhausted person.
Then, after a few days in a slump, I decided to get over it. I would much prefer if things had worked out the way that I planned for them to, but my new path will be an adventure that I am sure to cherish retrospectively. Recently, I applied and was accepted to a program I’d dreamed of doing since high school but never did because it didn’t quite fit “the plan.” It felt strangely emancipating to finally make choices purely based on me and the moment, rather than some mythical future that I’d romanticized in my head.
I’ve been working on letting go, being more flexible and proceeding without a guide map. I’ve learned that I can’t control the emotions of others. I can’t will success and I can’t guarantee anything, no matter how much I prepare. As clichéd as it sounds, I’ve realized that all I have control over is doing my best, whatever that may be. Coming to terms with this has been difficult. We are encouraged to set up a plan for ourselves, advice which is helpful, but can also be stifling, not to mention horrendously disappointing if things turn out differently. My plan made me obdurate. I only wanted one thing and I wanted it to happen at a certain time and in a certain way. My world literally felt like it was falling apart when my path diverged.
When I strayed from my plan, my life didn’t really crumble as I thought it would. I was given a beautiful opportunity to discover myself and make choices free of any constraints. This is one of the only times in our lives when we are really able to make choices for ourselves, and have so many choices to make. Take control of your life without a set plan. Don’t limit yourself, like I tried to do. Do what makes you happy, rather than worrying out a grand game plan that will lead you to an end you may not even want in five or 10 years. Do what makes you happy now, actually explore and don’t be afraid of the unknown. Be more open, and be comfortable with letting go.