By now, most people have probably figured out that — hey! — bar floors are disgusting. They’re dangerous, being littered with broken bottles and glasses and are sticky as a result of drunks wasting precious alcohol as they stumble through the bar. Not to mention the mud, dirt, dust, food and occasional vomit that rests there. All this gross debris begs one question: What kind of shoes should you wear to the bar?

Flip-flops are obviously a bad choice, if not an effortless one. Exposing that much toe will inevitably ensure that some of the nastiness touches your bare skin, possibly resulting in a rash. You also risk the thong of the shoe breaking, which will force you to walk around for the rest of the night with your toes tightly clamped around the broken piece to keep from losing the rest of it. Flip-flops also lack sturdy bottoms; last year my friend had a piece of glass go straight through her sole, adding blood to the contents of the Rat’s floor.

Surprisingly, most people don’t carry Band-Aids out with them.

Nice shoes are also out. Make note, they will get beer spilled on them, especially if they’re new. Or white. Nice, expensive shoes will also be scuffed, stained, discolored, etc. Take special care when you go to the bathrooms. Also, girls, wearing high heels might make you susceptible to slipping on the oily layer of goo beneath your feet (and just imagine how your ass will look after you fall in it!). I know it will interfere with all the carefully planned outfits, but flats are a safer choice when planning your this-will-get-him-to-notice-me-and-make-every-other-girl-here-jealous outfit. Flats also help tone down slutty outfits, as my roommate discovered this weekend when she dared to wear the completely backless halter.

The best bet for both sexes is probably to buy a pair of trendy but cheap shoes, so when they’re in tatters after a night on the town, you simply won’t care. It’s very likely your feet will kill you, but the man-made material won’t make you cry when you see the scratches the next day. Plus, I don’t think “I like your shoes, are they Jordans/Jimmy Choos?” has ever been used as a pick-up line at Tom and Marty’s. It’s your face or body people are checking out, not your footwear.

In another note to girls: All guys think Uggs are ugly, just so you know. They may be comfortable, but apparently they hide our very shapely ankles or something. A note to guys: Matching your sneakers to your shirt and hat might make you seem high maintenance.

So I hope you now have some ideas about the most practical footwear for Saturday nights. I also want to thank Jay Tessmer and his stirring Letter to the Editor for forcing me to realize that I’ve been neglecting writing about the practical parts of college life in my quest to tackle the bigger issues. I have not been providing enough useful advice to the community; rather I’ve been trying to motivate America’s youth to realize some of the real problems with this nation. But it’s not like we’re the country’s future or anything, so … my bad. In a tribute to “Sex and the City,” I would just like to say two more words: Manolo Blahnik.