Binghamton, N.Y. It’s known as the Carousel Capital of the World, for its famous spiedies (read: marinated chicken), impressive higher education institution …and the coldest goddamn weather outside of Wasila, Alaska.
Okay, that may be a stretch, but it is ball-shrinkingly cold in the 13902.
While not much a problem for dorm kids who enjoy the luxury of heat that doesn’t have to be paid monthly, off campus kids must suffer the dilemma of heat versus money daily … money usually winning. However, all of us suffer when it comes to trekking Downtown to get our drink on when the temperature could pass for our shoe size.
So what’s a cold, thirsty college kid to do? Release has come to your rescue once again to give you the do’s and don’ts of staying warm Downtown.
Do: Put on a freaking coat.
“I don’t go out without a coat on,” said Melissa DiStefano, a sophomore English, general literature and rhetoric major.
Girls, I know. Your outfits are cute. Jackets are bulky and don’t show off your svelte figures. However, unless you’re Smurfette, no one thinks you’re cute when you’re blue. You’ll spend the whole night cold and it’s just not worth it.
“Bring a jacket.,” said Danielle Litoff, an undeclared sophomore. “The coat check at The Rat is only a dollar.”
Don’t: Just drink a lot. Whiskey doesn’t warm the bones!
“I just pregame a lot,” said Roman Ismagilov, a freshman psychology major. “If I’m drunk enough I won’t notice how cold it is.”
You may feel fine when you’re plastered, but you’re actually colder than you feel. Alcohol, it turns out, does nothing to keep a person warm. In fact, it speeds up hypothermia. So although you think that extra shot of vodka will give you the ability to take on the cold like a Russian, you’re just drunk, cold and probably getting sick.
Do: Use the cold to your advantage.
Hey, it’s cold. Why not use that to cuddle up on some honeys?
“Me personally, I find the hottest girl and grab her for warmth,” said Anthony Platt, a junior philosophy major. “Then when the police grab me for assault I find that the back of police cars are warm and toasty.”
Don’t: Forget your common sense.
If you’re not gonna wear a coat, be as intelligent as possible when going outside. Don’t go out for long periods of time. Take the bus. If you’re going from a house party to Downtown, walk in close groups. Conserve body heat!
“I guess you could huddle up together,” said Mike Jarosz, a sophomore environmental studies major. “I’ve done that. It kinda works.”
Do: Stay inside when at all possible.
Darn that pesky Clean Indoor Air Act! Now those with nicotine addictions have to go outside to smoke down that cancer stick. Is it really worth it? Most of the time you can’t even finish the stog before you lose feeling to your extremities.
“No cigarette breaks!” said Greg Gartenfeld, an undeclared sophomore. “It’s too cold!”
“I don’t stay warm Downtown,” Gartenfeld said. “I usually wear a long sleeve shirt that doesn’t keep me warm. I should wear a jacket, but no one does.”
You could also decide to stay indoors.
“Don’t go Downtown if you want to stay warm,” said Michael Seltzberg, a sophomore biology major.
It’s probably the easiest and smartest solution … but maybe not the most fun.
Don’t: Give a shit
Listen, it’s Binghamton. It’s going to be cold. There’s nothing you can do but embrace it.
“I say fuck it,” said Natalie Ben-Yakar, a pre-med sophomore. “Wear a mini skirt.”