I recently listened to a Sarah Palin rally on CNN before drifting off to sleep and the following nightmare of a President Palin press conference ensued.
Team of reporters: Madame President! Madame President! (Sarah Palin walks to the podium with her infant in tow and daughter Piper beside her.)
Palin: I am open to any questions ya have. What’s your question there, Tom?
Reporter: Madame President, why did you appoint the ex C.E.O. of Exxon Mobile head of the EPA?
Palin: Probably for the same reason I charged women for their own rape kits in Alaska. I felt the country wasn’t getting screwed enough! But seriously, ya mean Rex? He is totally ill about this whole energy uh … what’s the word? Crisis? Yeah, he is all gonna get like a maverick on that stuff! Drill, Baby, Drill!
Reporter: Madame President, why did you decide to appoint Jerry Falwell as Secretary of Education?
Palin: Um, yeah, he is totally, like, mavericky on education and it’s gotta be all about jobs and like education, and ya know? We gotta get on the wasteful spending and reign that stuff in, ya know, and totally be about healthcare.
Reporter: You know Jerry Falwell was a pastor?
Palin: Yeah, totally!
Reporter: I say “was” because he’s dead.
Palin: Yeah, we are gonna totally prop him up and bring him to cabinet meetings and, like, well, get his unbiased opinion on educatin’ kids on all those strange lookin’ skeletons New York liberals have in their museums! Ya know? Look, before we shake Warshington up, we gotta dig Falwell up and be ill.
Reporter: Madame President, how do you plan on selling your idea for completely and utterly privatized Social Security to seniors?
Palin: We are gonna sell this maverick style idea to seniors cause we’re kinda hopin’ it falls on deaf ears! (laughs) Anyway, I’m off to sell my idea, so see y’all later! Piper, grab the campaign prop. No silly, not the chart, I mean your brother! Oh, did I think that out loud?
(An engine roars outside the White House)
Palin: Oh, do ya hear that? That’s my ride! That’s my husband Todd on one of his snow machine thingies! I call it Snow Mo’ One! I know it’s June, but it is rockin’! It’s been great talkin’ to y’all, but I gotta go! I’m late for a meeting with Pfizer and Sunoco lobbyists! See ya!