Seniors may be terrified of graduating in the spring, and freshmen may be a little scared of everything, but there are things on this campus (and a little beyond) that make us cringe ‘ and probably have a similar impact on your own psyches.

From pathways tinted blue by safety lights to the eerie stillness in dorm laundry rooms, there is much to fear on a campus allegedly ridden with ghosts (see Page 1). Here at Pipe Dream, we made a list of the things that make us tremble in our britches and quake in our boots.

1. PETA may have nominated Sodexho’s services as one of the nation’s friendliest to vegetarians (also see Page 1), but the condiment bar in the dining halls are still terrifying. The assorted receptacles of neglected barbeque sauce and peanut butter are upsetting to say the least. Employees may have been observed taking the temperature of a quivering, gelatinous mass of yellowing mayonnaise, but it makes us feel no more secure about the matter. Reaching into those vats is like eating from an open salad bar in the middle of a sweltering New Delhi marketplace, and we’re damn scared of it.

2. Another Wal-Mart.

3. The thought of dozens ‘ no, probably hundreds ‘ of Long Islanders living together in Newing is alarming. What are they plotting in there? Like lemmings, they travel and eat in popped-collared, Ugg-wearing packs.

4. The Nature Preserve. High. At night.

5. The encroaching deer and their brazen disregard for our superiority. Besides having a serious over-population problem, many of them have evolved to the point where their eyes glow red when confronted with a car. Soon they’ll turn carnivorous and hungry for Bearcat meat ‘ our Bearcat meat.

6. Two of our biggest phobias are chafing and un-flushed toilets. That said, campus bathrooms are a formidable combination of the two, particularly in the basement of the New University Union where we spend absurd amounts of time. From toilet paper to scary surprises at the bottom of a bowl, we’re hesitant to even ‘go’ on campus.

7. Rosy visions of the future show a snazzy campus with pear and peach trees laden with fruit yearlong, and a yellow brick road leading to Science I through X and eight more lecture halls. A more threatening prospect is construction which doesn’t ever end, and orange fences winding interminably around half-erected buildings. A similar fear: getting lost in the Engineering Building.

8. The fact that our humble community, or at least the actual town our University is named after, holds the proud distinction of Carousel Capital of the World, the birthplace of ‘The Twilight Zone,’ Dick’s Sporting Goods, David Sedaris, IBM and the highest concentration of sex offenders in the state, and we still can’t get a decent bagel.