This semester’s editorial page has been a space reserved for serious and pragmatic discussions as of late. So, without any unnecessarily wordy delay, these are our picks for the issues weighing heavily on our minds:

Five keynote speakers we’d like to see at the Spring ‘08 commencement:

5. Alexis Rosenthal (class of 2007): An all-too-vocal Student Assembly member, “founding father” of the alternative student press and generally ubiquitous overachiever would be the perfect addition to our commencement. By aggressively involving herself in every possible facet of student life, Rosenthal would be able to get the perfect job, only to come back and rub her success in the noses of the cherry-cheeked graduating class who are shivering in the shadow of insecurity. And her advice for our undergraduate careers? Useless, because we’re at our own damn commencement ceremony.

4. Tony Kornheiser (former Pipe Dream editor and BU alum): Our gray-haired claim to fame would probably actually be a good choice.

3. Any Baldwin brother. Although it was really Billy who went here, we’d take any of them. Billy’s loyalty (we hear he was around for a reunion this year) keeps us begging for more … even though he’s not the one on “30 Rock.”

2. T-Pain: He’s been featured at Sports Bar so many times that it’s time we brought him over to campus. Memories of gettin’ low and gettin’ bought a “drank” resounds in the memories of so many graduating seniors that he has literally bored a hole through most of our psyches.

1. Conan O’Brien: The other O’Brien. Soledad’s regalia during the December ceremony can only be topped by the man with the best hair on television. With or without a beard, Conan would make the best speaker ever. With our luck, however, we’ll get the hairless senator from New York — Chuck Schumer.

Five majors we wish we had been able to choose from:

5. Horsemanship: Not to be confused with the slurred word of the same figurative action, horsemanship is the next step in the equestrian parade. Now that the local horses have been saved from the long dusty road to the glue factory, the next logical step would be to give the athletic powers that be an extra slap in the face and make it an official department.

4. Yellow Journalism: At last, Pipe Dreamers everywhere could actually be awarded credit for the dozens of volunteer hours they spend inventing clever puns to use as Police Watch headlines.

3. Defense Against The Dark Arts: To adequately prepare us for the return of You-Know-Who (read: No. 5 on our list of desirable commencement speakers), Binghamton needs to put some of the oddest and most British professors to work with a wand and a cauldron. A campus with such ominous weather should at least prepare a fraction of the student body for the oncoming apocalypse.

2. Bartending: With the rising cost of wheat, hops and even milk, mixed drinks just aren’t affordable any more. But with the addition of the mixology major, Harpur will at last be giving us useful preparation for a lucrative career. And never before will the term “liberal arts” be so applicable.

1. Financial Logistical Consulting and Leadership Analysis: A major this long adds a $10,000 signing bonus to any resume, and with the severe lack of high-paying School of Management majors, students need an additional nominal title to milk for cash.

Five Binghamton University claims to fame

5. Best pierogi: If Sodexo wanted to add regional flair to the campus’ diet, a smattering of onion pierogies would hit the spot every time. The secret spiedie marinade is perhaps the most clandestine of the Binghamton area specialties, but pierogies are always honest — and sincerity is so rare ‘round these parts.

4. Best alternative media: Whatever would we do without alternatives to the independent student-run media on this campus?

3. Pole vaulting: Literally. This isn’t even a joke.

2. Most visible University president: One can’t swing a dead cat on this campus without hitting Lois B. DeFleur grinning and greeting students. Her glowing pearly whites are shining in the spring sunshine, and it’s hard to avoid her winning glare.

1. Most sexist student newspaper: Those who saw Pipe Dream’s satirical April 1 issue, Pipe Bomb, know that the editorial board is a deplorable coalition of womanizing jerks. Really, did you see those spreads?