Recently, I was in my car listening to a new pop song, “Love Myself” by Hailee Steinfeld. The song is not, as it first seems, a song about self-acceptance in a psychological way, or at least that isn’t the whole story; Steinfeld makes numerous transparent references to masturbation. Some sample lyrics include: “I know how to scream my own name,” “the beautiful, it comes without you” and “love [myself] so hard til’ it hurts.” She is talking about masturbating and that is awesome.
There is a societal issue with women openly discussing or being comfortable with self-pleasure. Masturbation is completely normal; self-exploration of one’s body is not harmful or weird. Women are more likely to orgasm by masturbating through clitoral stimulation than just penetrative sex. Despite this, women still feel like masturbating is a bit perverse, or something reserved for men. It’s taboo for women to talk about masturbation, even though it’s a completely normal act. We are living in a world where sex in a multitude of forms surrounds us in the media, so why is female self-love still such an issue?
According to the app HappyPlayTime, around 46.6 percent of women masturbate less than once a month. Designer Tina Gong created the app based on her belief that many women do not masturbate because they don’t know how to, or think it’s weird. The fact that an app has been created to help women masturbate is kind of laughable, yet it is a realistic assessment of how women understand masturbation. This is obviously in stark contrast to the way that men and masturbation are paired — from dialogue in movies to everyday conversations, guys are completely comfortable with admitting that they masturbate because, well, guys are expected to.
This discrepancy between male and female masturbation is not only silly, it’s unfair. Let’s not be weird about it; masturbation is awesome, regardless of one’s sex, gender, what have you. It’s not like it feels better for men, and it’s certainly not like women have less of a sex drive than men. This difference in self-love clearly comes from something else: social pressure. I could give numerous accounts of the times I’ve heard my female friends describe masturbation as “gross” or “weird,” or they say things like, “Oh my god, I’d never do that.” On the flip side of that, my male friends are constantly talking about how often they do it and how “awesome” it is. It’s such a different narrative. I know I’m just citing personal experience, but I’d hedge my bets that many of you can speak to a similar experience.
That is why I have to laud Hailee Steinfeld. Her song brings normalcy to female masturbation; for Steinfeld, it’s no big deal. But even reception to Steinfeld’s song proves that female masturbation is seen as a bit pervy. An article by Fusion argues that Steinfeld is “a little edgier than any other artist dared to go,” while comparing her to other female artists that sing about sexual agency of some sort. Though the piece heralds her as an “interesting” artist, it still is a testament to that fact that Steinfeld is singing about something taboo. I’ll admit that my knowledge of songs on masturbation is limited, and I suppose songs in general about masturbation are probably seen as a little off the charts, but I still find it sort of revolutionary that a teen pop-breakout star is willing to sing about this topic.
I hope that it can open up the conversation about female masturbation and make women more comfortable to try it out, or own it if they already do. Steinfeld unabashedly speaks about appreciating her own pleasure and it’s the kind of message women need to hear. I’m not trying to say that everyone should masturbate, or it’s totally abnormal if you don’t. Masturbation is a personal choice. That said, for women, the conversation on masturbation is a little too private. After all, we could all gain something from learning to love ourselves.