Eli Klein

White people who claim to be part of the solution.

White people lecturing other white people on oppression is like white people lecturing other white people on the revitalization of disco-era fashion — we were all equally responsible for it, and none of us wanna revert back to that era.

Tall people who don’t play basketball.

What are you doing??? You’re just wasting it!!! Tall for no reason. Extremely disrespectful to short kings. Shout out Tom Cruise and shit.

People who reply “not good” when you ask them “how are you?”

This may come as a surprise, but I really don’t give a flip how you’re doing, CASHIER. I’m sorry your dog passed away, but I’ve always been more of a cat person anyway.

People who drink milk.

What are you doing? It’s 2024 and you’re out here drinking milk? If you live on a farm, I get it. But, if you haven’t even seen a cow in a year, there’s no way you should be drinking straight cow-titty milk. At least add some chocolate or something.

Seasoned chicken.

As a white man, there is nothing more I love than the taste of dry chicken.

Vegetarians for “ethical” reasons.

I could give a whole spiel about how almond milk is terrible for the environment or how vegetarians are virtue-signaling, but my main quarrel is about “beyond meat.” What is beyond … besides a doubt that it’s the dumbest shit ever? Vegan meatloaf? Mushroom bacon? Even chickens are offended by it, and they’re like … really stupid.

Public displays of affection.

Most people say it makes them uncomfortable, but if anything it makes me too comfortable. Are you trying to arouse me?

People with bookshelves.

Oh woooowwww, you’re sooooooo smart? You haven’t heard of a Kindle? A smart person would live in the digital age instead of trying to flex your slightly above-average IQ. The average person is stupid, by the way.


Really nothing needs to be said here. Even women get this one.

People Who Don’t Curse.

What are they hiding??? Who are you really? “What the hell…” — what are you? A priest? Stop kidding around and be angry at the world like the rest of us.

Now you know my pet peeves. Feel free to reach out and let me know yours so I know exactly what to do if we ever meet.

Eli Klein is a senior majoring in political science.

Views expressed in the opinions pages represent the opinions of the columnists. The only piece which represents the views of the Pipe Dream Editorial Board is the Staff Editorial.