Dear Doris,

How Do I Start a Business?

The first thing you have to do is learn how to spell business. This is a crucial first step.

The second step is to know what type of business you want to start. For instance, if you wanted to kick start your entrepreneurship journey by … let’s say selling meth, I’d recommend watching Breaking Bad and consulting Rick Ross. If you want to start … let’s say a construction business, I’d still recommend watching Breaking Bad and consulting Ross as they have a vast array of knowledge that is applicable to all walks of life.

The third step is to stop getting back together with your ex-girlfriend. Sorry. Ignore that. I’m projecting.

The real third step is to figure out a cool business name. This is perhaps the most crucial step in the whole operation because if your business name sucks, in layman’s terms, you suck.

Think about Lockheed Martin. Martin is the name of the nerd who’s marrying your sister. He seems like a pretty good guy with a decent sense of morals.

The fourth step is to start talking with your hands more. Think Donald Trump and any Italian ever.

The final step is to daydream about making millions. In the biz they call this “manifestation,” and anyone who’s ever made it will tell you it’s a real thing. Of course, you’re only hearing from people who made it and not everyone else who has never accomplished anything noteworthy.

With that being said, if you meticulously follow these steps, I can almost guarantee that you will be the next Elon Musk … if Elon Musk was poor, normal and not having cosplay sex with Johnny Depp’s ex-wife — which is clearly awesome.

Dear Doris,

I’m anxious about this being my last semester. How do I deal with graduation nerves?

You are quite literally asking advice from the worst person. Even thinking about it now makes me stress like a tank top on Tony Soprano.

But it’s important to note why we stress as humans, because while stress feels like a nuisance, it’s what allowed mankind not only to survive, but thrive. And yeah, okay, sometimes life feels more like we’re fighting for our survival rather than our … “thriv-ival” … partly because of this nuisance we call stress.

But stress is what makes some humans venture out into the unknown and others to stay where the bed is warm. It made some study for the test while others decided it was enough just to wing it and try their best. Stress is what made Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson inject steroids up his ass while others … didn’t. Everybody feels stress. It just depends on whether or not you use it to your advantage.

So you’re nervous about graduating … why? If you’re scared you’re gonna miss your roommates, make more of an effort to hang out with them … maybe watch “Twilight” while getting shitfaced off Twisted Teas. If you’re scared about what you’re going to do after college … hop on LinkedIn and look at all the amazing job opportunities that you have no chance of getting. If you’re scared about not walking across the stage … study harder or get crutches.

Stress is like that friend who won’t shut the fuck up. Eventually, you gotta get to a point in your life where you’re so busy and filled with purpose that you don’t have time to listen to that friend who won’t shut the fuck up. Use that friend as motivation, and every time you hear them, make sure you’re putting yourself in a position where you can tell them — with quite certainty — there is no reason why they shouldn’t shut the fuck up.

Views expressed in the opinions pages represent the opinions of the columnists. The only piece which represents the views of the Pipe Dream Editorial Board is the Staff Editorial.