This Parade Day, wake up in the morning feeling like (Saint) P-Diddy. We recommend rising early, even though it’s gonna be a late night. If you haven’t checked the weather yet, it’s supposed to be sunny — with a chance of shitshow.

Disclaimer: Pipe Dream is not responsible for any drinking-related arrests, injuries or morning afters.

9 a.m. — Drinking all day necessitates a breakfast of champions, and there are several options to choose from. If you’re near campus, you can always go for the traditional Grand Slam at Denny’s. If you don’t want to waste time and want to start drinking with breakfast (like the Irish), there’s always the trusty “keg ’n egg.” For the more adventurous, go ahead and try the dreaded pizza taco. We dare you.

If you haven’t started drinking yet, you may want to correct that. We recommend Irish Car Bombs or maybe an Irish coffee.

11 a.m. — Since it’s Parade Day, it may be worthwhile to actually hit the parade and see some Irish people walking in formation with bagpipes. Now we’re fully aware of open container laws (if you’re not, check your e-mail) — and we’re most certainly not advocating breaking the law in any way — but all we’re saying is that creative people may be able to find ways around the rule. It’s not illegal if you don’t get caught; it’s an old Irish proverb, after all.

2:15 p.m. — Now guys, we know you’ll be busy partying. But sadly, this Parade Day is also a day of mourning. So at 2:15, mark the moment when our basketball team was scheduled to tip-off at the America East tournament with a moment of silence. And, maybe, spill some beer for the guests of honor: our downtrodden basketball players.

3 p.m. — Now that that’s taken care of, head over to Tom & Marty’s for some lunch. The burgers and wings are particularly good (not that you’ll be able to taste the difference at this point).

4 p.m. — This is a time that separates the weak from the strong. You’ve been out drinking since dawn, and we know it’s been tough. If you’re a coward, you’ll rest. But if you’re truly in the Irish spirit, you will bravely press on. Again, we recommend Irish Car Bombs. Just saying.

6 p.m. — Regardless of which path you chose, now is the time to head to the bars. You should know what to do from here.

Some time later that evening — Another Parade Day has come and gone. You’ve battled the elements, you’ve fought the police. You’ve supped and drank to your heart and liver’s content. It’s over now, and it sucks, we know. But as the Irish say, “Chin up, it’s not actually Saint Patty’s Day ‘til the 17th.”