In the not-too-distant future, some Binghamton University students will be offered the opportunity to move into freshly minted apartments on State Street. Soon enough, there will be human beings living in the building that houses Pasquale’s Pizza, JT’s and, of course, the Rathskeller Pub. We love the recent Downtown trend in student housing, but for this particular project, we have a few modest proposals that fit its — how shall we put it? — unique location.

First of all, the apartment building should be called The Rathskeller Tower. You’re welcome.

And though the project will have immediate name recognition brownie points from the fancy title we’ve provided free of charge, it will still have to compete with other apartment buildings in the neighborhood.

For instance, while the 20 Hawley building will offer complimentary tutoring services for tenants, The Rathskeller Tower could provide in-house alcohol abuse counseling. And while the Newman House will provide free parking, The Rathskeller Tower could offer tenants a get-out-of-jail-free card — providing a mulligan for students who will have police officers as lawn ornaments.

After measuring up against the competition, some basic concerns will still need to be addressed.

One of the most common worries about the new apartment’s location is the possible noise pollution between the bottom and upper floors. Andrew Urso, owner of The Rat and the building itself, doesn’t anticipate any volume issues for students in the Tower. His confidence indicates that he has already ordered the military-grade lead plating necessary to keep bar-sound from the bedrooms.

This Editorial Board also has concerns about how the new apartments will be decorated. Though some would suggest a clean, modern feel for the design of the project’s interior, we feel The Rathskeller Tower should stay true to the post-apocalyptic motif that its namesake is famous for. Exposed pipes, loose wiring, low ceilings, permanent cobwebs — these are the features that will make the project stand out.

The Tower should be remade with an innovative design to have the feel of dingy basement. The building’s windows should be entirely covered with brick, stained with beer and plastered with uninspired graffiti. Only The Rathskeller Tower will give guests the unique feeling that they’re traveling underground as the elevator goes up.

And on a purely safety-related note, the gutting of the building could provide an opportunity to install a much-needed fire escape from The Rat — not to mention a police-escape hatch for Mr. Urso if he ever again feels the need to say there’s a fire when there isn’t.