“What’s next?” was my first thought as I walked across my high school stage. It had mirrored the way I had lived most of my life — quiet, reserved and not putting too much weight on what came next. And now, as I sit down to write this column, I struggle to find the right words to express what Pipe Dream and school have meant to me — how transformative these past few years in this organization have been for me. People always say that your college years are some of the most pivotal years of your life — but I don’t know if I truly believed that for a while to be honest. But I know it is something I longed for.

Even from the stories I have been told, I can barely recall the times when I was 4 years old, sitting in my preschool classroom, unable to speak — and not uttering a word to another student for the entire year unless the teacher directly called on me. This became a pattern throughout my childhood. I moved through hallways quietly, with my head down, trying to take up as little space as possible, both in a literal and figurative sense. I graduated in a class of over 500 students, and I am pretty sure less than 30 knew my name. I knew that I wanted college to be the place where everything changed. I had read all the stories about how college could change you. The work hard, play hard mindset, the promise of reinvention — it all sounded incredible. But I wasn’t sure I had it in me.

And honestly I didn’t — at least not at first.

That changed one night on a Zoom call where Ciara, the editor-in-chief of Pipe Dream, spoke to potential new contributors and staff. I was actually late to the call, rushing down to Jazzman’s from class, breathless and still masked from the COVID-19 era. I found an empty table in the back that still faintly smelled like coffee, and I fired up my laptop. As Ciara started describing the different content sections, a familiar pit formed in my stomach and, suddenly, I was 4 years old in preschool again with the inability to broadcast my words — paralyzed by the idea of speaking up. I began to think, “Maybe this journalism thing isn’t for me.” But then she mentioned the copy section — the section she had started in — where you didn’t need to be in the spotlight to contribute something meaningful — and I smiled.

You might expect the story to turn here, but it doesn’t, not quite yet. I quickly began to fall into my old patterns again, keeping my head down and keeping to myself. In fact, it was the hardworking, ambitious mindset I was raised on that quickly became the only reason I came into the office. I would sit in the back of the dusty Photo section, masked, among faces I don’t even remember. I would look over at the Copy table with Alexis and Jenna and a smart, kind, hardworking blonde-haired girl I’d eventually be lucky enough to call one of my best friends — and I felt certain that I could never be that.

My ambitious mindset again pushed me to apply for the assistant role at the end of the year. I was sure that they didn’t even know my name. I figured my only edge was frequently showing up. Still, I was stunned when they chose me. Little did I know how much of a blessing Alexis and Jenna gave me that day — one that would forever change my life, and some of the best and worst experiences of my life in the following years.

To my family: the only people who knew my voice before this — there is clearly a reason. Thank you for the life and love you have given me. The support you have given throughout these crazy four years has been nothing short of formidable.

To the teams I have run: Copy and Digital, not only have I loved leading teams with such a high impact, but I love the friendships that I have made from them even more. Emma, Kate, Bella, Max, Trisha, Ellena — and too many more to name — thank you for trusting me to lead you, and you all have such bright futures ahead of you.

To the friends I have made along the way, there have been times where I have been distant — but just know that I appreciate how much you have all been there for me in times that I needed it most, and I don’t know what I will do without most of you next year.

Pipe Dream gave me a voice, and more than that — it allowed me to become myself. Thanks to Pipe Dream and everything it has given me, trauma-bonded and all, I am no longer thinking, “What’s next?” but rather “How am I supposed to move on without this in my life?”

Allison Peteka, a first-year graduate student studying business administration, is Pipe Dream’s digital editor. She was copy desk chief from 2023-24.