Kudos to the Department of Homeland Security for their life-saving security precautions on airlines. And of course, we can’t forget to thank the competent and well-intentioned security staff of America’s airports for really stepping up and protecting our nation against the evil lurking in every 4-ounce bottle of shampoo.

To be honest, I was originally a little miffed this weekend when I was forced to throw out the 13.5 ounces of Pantene conditioner I had attempted to bring with me into America’s friendly skies. You see, the misfortune of genetics has cursed me with naturally flat hair, and I rely heavily on my volumizing conditioner to get me through life. (After all, could I really manage to be a successful woman if I didn’t have bouncy, vibrant locks?)

So when I was forced to abandon my precious styling products under the scrutinizing eye of the airport’s beacon of safety in human form, my initial instincts were to curse out George Bush, Al Quaida, the war in Iraq and Wal-Mart (for not selling my conditioner in travel size bottles that would meet the carefully researched and not at all arbitrary size restrictions that ensured I had too little conditioner to successfully hide explosives in).

But luckily, before I had time to open my mouth and release a flow of criticism that would have undoubtedly landed me in that little, poorly lit back room for a strip search and 36-hour interrogation, I came to my senses and realized what a horrible American I was being.

Wasn’t this for my own safety? And shouldn’t I have been glad that these people were taking their jobs seriously enough that I could board the plane without fear of ending in a flaming mass hurtling toward the Capitol building?

And then two of my chuckling travel companions presented me with the pocket knives they had ventured through security with, sans confiscation. Not to mention the lighters, razors and marijuana which had also made it through the thorough security precautions.

So let me get this straight.

In the name of safety, the airport’s top priority is ensuring that conditioner and shampoo don’t make it on board in containers larger than 3 ounces, because it’s possible to hide explosives in them … even though I could have boarded with two 3-ounce bottles and mixed them on the plane to create my makeshift bomb if I was so inclined (and a terrorist).

But apparently traditional weapons didn’t rank high enough on this week’s neon orange terrorism alerts to warrant much effort at the security check.

After all, attacks with bladed devices have already been done — that’s old news. What self-respecting terrorist would use the same trick twice? They already know that blades work — where’s the challenge in that? They’ve obviously moved on to more complicated plans … like hiding the bubonic plague in a 4-ounce bottle of hair gel (3 is too small, not enough room for the plague).

Yes, I realize and respect the need for strict security precautions in airports, and everywhere else. These are the times we live in, and we can’t change that. But there’s no excuse for doing a poor job and missing major items — like knives.

If I had to sacrifice having bouncy hair for a weekend, then I should at least be able to say I made the sacrifice so that I knew we could all be safe on the plane. But in theory, we weren’t.

All the efforts of airport security amounted to was that I would have flat hair while the terrorist’s were potentially slitting the pilot’s throat.