Who doesn’t love Binghamton sports? Not anyone I know, but apparently there are some people out there who don’t get as pumped up about the Binghamton Golf Invitational as I do. Luckily there is a chance to gain fans. If the school follows these easy steps, the Bearcat noise can soon be as recognizable as Notre Dame’s “Touchdown Jesus” or Kentucky’s mascot Ashley Judd.

Trade the Library Tower to the University of Southern California for its football team.

Everything I know about sports I learned from the Yankees. And whenever the Yankees need to get better, they make a ridiculous trade with a team from west of the Mississippi River, so this trade makes perfect sense.

As far as I know USC does not have a library tower like our historic Glenn G. Bartle Library. And even if they do have a tower, they could probably use another one. Plus, we could lie to the Trojans, much like the tour guides lie to our prospective students, and tell USC that Disney’s Tower of Terror was based on our library tower.

And for us, giving up a library tower is a small price to pay for the greatest football team of this decade. USC already has the appeal of being in downtown Los Angeles, with beautiful women and other talented sports teams — they can afford to give us the football team.

On second thought, I don’t know if I want Matt Leinart coming up here on Alumni Weekend. No one’s girlfriend would be safe.

Put all our games on ESPN and ESPN 2.

If we want people to respect our athletics we have to be on TV all the time, like J.J. Redick was while he was at Duke.

ESPN shows “SportsCenter” approximately 97 times a day, while the deuce airs such thrilling shows as “The World Series of Darts” and “Bass Masters.” Something tells me they’re just dying to broadcast all our sports.

Based on the way folks here in the Southern Tier have embraced BU athletics, we can only assume that ESPN would love to pick up not only our basketball, soccer and softball games, but also develop great reality shows like “True Life: I’m Troy Hailey,” and even sitcoms like “Leave it to Baxter.”

I smell an Emmy.

Fire Al Walker and replace him with Nick Billings.

If the “Mighty Ducks” movies have taught me anything, it’s that nothing can turn a struggling team around like a washed up former star being forced to come in and coach. I say we frame Billings for a crime, then tell him that unless he wants to go to jail he has to come back and coach at his alma mater.

Watch Billings as he tries to relate to college kids of this generation, who are so different from when he graduated almost two whole years ago. Watch as he takes Jaan Montgomery under his wing and makes him into the inside threat Billings always dreamed to be.

Then watch as he tells Mike Gordon that all year he’s known that only Gordon can teach the Bearcats to fly right before he hits crucial game-winning free throws, then watch as the Bearcats beat a team full of communists and take home Binghamton’s first ever NCAA title.

Trick Albany into giving us Jamar Wilson.

We all know Albany is a safety school, a school that we, students of the “Ivy of the SUNYs,” would never be caught dead in. But they were the ones playing in the NCAA tournament last year, not us. And Wilson is the main reason why.

Seeing that we’re all infinitely smarter than the average Great Dane, I figure we can work out some kind of deal where we teach the simpletons of UA how to make fire, and in return they give us Jamar Wilson and we win the America East.

Annex Syracuse.

Our school started as the Triple Cities College of Syracuse University, and of course we broke away from them in the great Upstate New York War of 1950. But those five years of Orangeman oppression were horrible. They enslaved our ancestors and made them wear Donovan McNabb jerseys.

Now is our chance for revenge. Syracuse has all the resources BU needs to move into the 21st century — a football team (albeit a struggling one), a nationally-ranked basketball team and a really cool dome to play our games in.

The two schools have similar enrollments, but if we enlist help from SUNY allies Cortland and the College of Environmental Science and Forestry (which is still suffering under Syracuse rule), we should be able to overpower the orange-clad enemy.

We will then force the students of Syracuse to learn our Bearcat ways or suffer the consequences of death by spiedie.

And that’s it. Five easy steps for Baxter, or whoever it is that makes the decisions, to follow. Take this advice and we’ll be drinking champagne at the Rose Bowl in no time.