As I am about to enter my 20s, I am filled with an overwhelming sense of doubt. I am one step closer to graduating college, finding a real job and figuring out my life, all while taking one giant step away from my teenage years. This year not only marks my age starting with a two instead of a one, but also feels like the inevitable beginning of adulthood — one which is bound to change many dynamics in my life.

I am entering a new era, but as I look toward this inevitable change that will happen in less than six months, I am also left wondering: When do we make the transition from teenager to adult? More importantly, when do we start having mature relationships?

I am watching friends slowly start to talk about marriage and some are even getting engaged. When did this switch happen? This sudden intensity and growth from child to adult?

When grappling with this question, I had to remember that turning 20 does not even mark the true beginning of adulthood.

I am still living with my parents, still in college and my frontal lobe won’t even be fully developed until I’m around 25 years old — and maybe even later, as some researchers suggest it matures in your early 30s. Some of my family members still insist that none of my relationships have been “adult” ones because I’m still so young. A 2023 study published in Sage Journals found that age 25 marks the end of romantic exploration and the beginning of expected romantic stability.

Is this the marker of what makes a relationship actually “adult” instead? What measure do I use to define mature relationships — is it family, science or something else entirely?

To better understand the role of maturity in relationships, I consulted my closest friends, most of whom are in long-term relationships themselves. After answering my questions, I took away one main component from them that I have also observed in my daily life.

What ultimately separated their “immature” relationships from their “mature” ones was the comfort and confidence they found in themselves during difficult scenarios. An emotionally mature relationship stems from these factors — how one deals with conflict, communicates and navigates uncomfortable situations and road bumps along the way. Codependence and a lack of communication stemming from a lack of self-understanding is what they said defined their last immature relationship, while the reverse is what solidified their mature ones today.

While various factors build into healthy relationships, I believe that the relationship with yourself is ultimately what defines maturity in romantic ones. Being comfortable and accepting of your own flaws will help you lay the foundation to reach a mature relationship. Once the honeymoon phase is over and only reality is left, what you decide to do with the uncomfortable truths is what defines maturity — not age.

So, with this in mind, it does feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Knowing that the definition of maturity does not start with anything outside of yourself is a powerful thing to remember when you enter a new chapter of your life.