When I first started talking to guys, I was naive and had little understanding of myself or the dating world. I soon realized the progression between mutual interest and a committed relationship is not simple by any means.

As I had more experiences with guys and, consequently, more disappointment, I was sucked into the world of online dating advice — there, I learned the do’s and don’ts of dating and how to play the “game” effectively. However, rather than enlightened, I felt confused by my new insight — realizing all the mistakes I had made, second-guessing decisions I made going forward and struggling to balance the person I was told men desire and the person I was.

Social media helped me recognize and grow from my past male-centeredness. However, with this new self-awareness, I could see online dating advice targeted at women for what it truly is — something that trains women to perform in accordance with their socially constructed feminine role.

It’s easy to fall victim to the immense amount of patriarchal messaging when it is wrapped up with a cute little bow and labelled as dating advice. Videos telling women how to gain power in a relationship or act if they want to be put in the “potential for long-term” box instead of the “just a hook up” box merely distort male-centeredness into the illusion of independence and self-respect. It appeals to already vulnerable women, promising them what they have been conditioned to desire most in the world — a man’s approval.

Dating advice instills male-centeredness, encouraging women to base their decisions and behaviors around the needs of men. This dating advice often works because it aligns with the status quo and ultimately damages women’s self-perception.

In the dating advice typically targeted at women, independence from men’s wants and needs is not an option. Advice often advocates for women to consider the desires of men over their own sexual desires — in this case, the desire for an innocent woman — and encourages women to center their actions around men instead of themselves.

A popular piece of advice given to women interested in pursuing a long-term relationship with a man is to not have sex with a guy “too soon.” And while it’s commonly said the first date is definitely too soon, the timeline is ambiguous after that — wait until he’s “earned it” or until an “exclusive relationship” has been established. This suggests that if you have sex with a man too soon, he won’t respect you or see you as a “high-value” woman who holds potential for a long-term relationship because she is believed to respect herself by not allowing men to “use” her.

“High value” women don’t “give it up easily,” instead, they make the man work for sex through things like dates and gifts. So, according to a dissertation by Barbara Dos Santos, “rather than promoting dignity or agency, modesty policing reinforce[s] the idea that women’s bodies existed primarily in relation to male control, either as threats or prizes,” or commodities.

For example, waiting to have sex with a man until he has provided enough to meet a woman’s “standards” makes sex transactional, insinuating that women’s bodies can be bought. Messaging like this is infused with patriarchal values of traditional gender roles and purity and advocates for women to center their decisions around men, rather than blaming men for establishing these standards.

Sexual purity has historically defined women’s worth and differentiated a woman with marital prospects from a woman not considered anything more than a sexual object or rather a socially acceptable sexual object, opposed to an ostracized sexual object. In this context, women’s value lies outside of themselves — a perception skewed by convention.

While the rigid standard of virginity for women has largely disappeared, the underlying principles of purity culture are still commonplace today. For example, the phrase “body count,” or the total number of sexual partners someone has, is increasingly used as a measure of women’s “dateability.” There are countless videos that inquire about what is an acceptable number of “bodies” to have and it’s no surprise that the numbers given tend to be much lower for women than men, often labeling women with high-body counts by pejoratives like “slut.” This trend conflates a woman’s true identity and an interpretation of their sexual behavior, reifying their worth into a number.

Because women’s “value” is determined by sexual behavior in patriarchal societies, women are not valued by their prospects, achievements and personhood when their sexuality is what defines them. Sexual objectification inhibits their ability to be perceived as a person who has sex because, by having sex, they lose their potential to be perceived as a person.

This is why so many women advocate for others to abstain from sex when trying to form a long-term connection with men and be seen as something more than a sex object — but nothing about this advice is empowering or fulfilling.

While this advice might improve a woman’s ability to get a boyfriend, it completely fails in its attempt to obtain men’s respect. If you are a woman who wants a man to respect you, not having sex with him isn’t the answer. All this does is uphold a system where your value is tied to your sexuality.

A man who doesn’t respect a woman who “sleeps around” is a man who doesn’t respect women. Men should be able to see women as whole people who are entitled to respect regardless of their sexual behavior. Women should be seen as the people they truly are, not an archetype produced by patriarchal ideals. This is only achievable by not centering your life around the approval of men.

Not allowing men to rule women’s behavior is crucial for gaining their respect. As women, we have to act as individual people to be treated as such or else we’re just submitting to patriarchal control. If we confine our actions to male-centered values, we become an extension of them. Women must unlearn the “patriarchal gaze,” where they distance themselves from their own bodies and desires. Being the “prudent woman” is rooted in patriarchy — it counteracts the desire for respect within relationships and women’s liberation.

So here’s my dating advice: have sex with him on the first date — or don’t. Follow your own inclinations and behave according to your individual identity. Never feel pressured to suppress yourself to impress a man.

Natalie Pappalardo is a junior majoring in English.

Views expressed in the opinions pages represent the opinions of the columnists. The only piece that represents the view of the Pipe Dream Editorial Board is the staff editorial.