Of all the columns I have written, this is perhaps the most difficult one. I wanted this to be my first column of the semester because, as I enter a fresh stage of my life, I want to inspire my consciousness and that of those around me by reflecting on my past self. It is not easy to move on from past mistakes because regret can be a very painful poison to the human mind. Yet, one can only move forward by making peace with their past.
I often think about my first few weeks in Binghamton, simply because I remember feeling a unique sense of “living in the present” that I haven’t felt since. Every day brought new knowledge, every week introduced a new friend and the passing of time carried me toward newly imagined goals and hopes. I met many people in those first few weeks, most of whom I still remember and see today. Some of these people later came to my aid in my hour of need, some shared their wisdom when I sought guidance and some became my good friends who made life more fun and fulfilling.
And then there was my first “regret” — my first love.
I wrote about the meaning of soulmates in a different column in an homage to this specific experience. A person I met on a basically random occasion first became my friend, then a close friend and then my best friend. Before long, she was the one person who I thought truly understood me in this place far away from home.
I felt that I, at long last, connected to another person emotionally. Feeling that, among all the lucky instances of an eventful freshman autumn, I also found my true life companion, made love feel all the more satisfying. I suppose the greatest source of comfort was simply sharing my heart with someone who I felt valued it so much.
It sadly did not last long — for a long time, we argued, we doubted each other, and though we never shouted, we were always somehow living in different worlds. I do not have much to write about the relationship itself, because it didn’t even last long enough for memories to accrue. But I remember regret, because that is all that remained of my first try at love. I felt regret, because I never had the chance to apologize for things I said and did. I could not say that I still cared for her, or that I wanted to take responsibility and mend what did not work between us.
How do you move on from that kind of regret? When you’re ready to give everything you have just to have the chance to go back in time and do just a couple of things differently, and yet you know that what’s done is done — that’s difficult.
Even many months after this first relationship, I asked myself the same question: what could have been different? I blamed myself to the point of actively shaming myself over what I should have done. This is the true nastiness about regret — it forces you to play a game you cannot win by making you think of what could have been. Then, it reminds you in the same breath that whatever magical solution you came up with after the fact also cannot ever be used.
But time only moves forward, and so must we.
To all who read these words, I give this sincere advice: forgive your past self. If you feel guilt, shame or depression about something in the past, know that you have since changed and became someone else. What regret tells each of us is that the things we grow to see as mistakes become things we swear not to repeat.
It is this realization that allows us to become who we want to be. The thought of missed opportunities hurts, but so long as we remember all the people we used to be, we can also move bravely into the future as a different version of our past selves.
Knowing that I can’t turn back time pushes me to work harder, pay more attention and show more care to the new people around me. I accept my past self for who he was, a naive but terribly misguided and selfish guy. I strive toward having a more open heart and being a better listener. I focus now on being a trustworthy, dependable and compassionate person — these are things that I once wasn’t, but now I live my life trying to build a better heart for myself.
Accepting who you once were is what sets you apart from your mistakes — it gives you the strength to work with your emotions and develop the personality you want to be known by.
Deniz Gulay is a junior double-majoring in history and Russian.
Views expressed in the opinions pages represent the opinions of the columnists. The only piece that represents the view of the Pipe Dream Editorial Board is the Staff Editorial.