Dear Doris,

How Do I Find a Job?

Short Answer: Burger King is hiring. Just got a burger there (it was terrible … they could use your help).

Long Answer: I’m going to take some creative liberty by guessing that your question isn’t really “How Do I Find a Job?” but rather, “How Do I Find the Job That I Want?” I’ve always been fascinated with Abraham Lincoln. As a child, it was because of his hat (dapper fucking man), but as I got older, it was for his resilience. The greatest president of the United States became the man we remember because he discovered law books at the bottom of the basket at a garage sale (the modern-day equivalent — then it was called a barn sale). He bought the books for half a dollar. What I’m trying to say is, Lincoln wasn’t aspiring to become the president of the United States. He, at the bottom of a basket, discovered that he wanted to study law and one thing led to another. Follow your intuition, dedicate yourself and, eventually, with a little bit of luck and a lot of hard work (and a dapper fucking hat), the job will find you.

Dear Doris,

What do I do when I know that I should lock in for school but I just can’t seem to bring myself too? How do you break out of that paralysis?

Short Answer: School sucks. Ditch class and day drink.

Long Answer: I had a hard time answering this question. It’s so extensive that even though I want to give advice, part of me feels as though the lack of context makes my comment useless. However, since this is a question many of us can relate to, I will give it my best shot. First of all, loved the word use of paralysis. It’s a little extreme … but I like it. Second of all, ask yourself the greatest question ever conceived — Why? Why do you wanna lock in? For instance, we don’t “try” to lock in when we’re trying to chat up a girl or eat Taco Bell. It happens naturally. Why can’t you lock in? Did you lose a key, forget the four-digit PIN code, unsure what “lock in” really means or is school so tedious you just can’t bring yourself to do it? Why do you think you “know” you should lock in? Plato would say you don’t know shit. Why does this barrier between what we want to do versus what we actually do exist?

Here’s my guess. You want to do school work, but then your homie, let’s call him … Jeramiah Jr. the Third, comes over and asks you to hang out. Because you’re you and Jeramiah Jr. the Third is the one and only Jeramiah Jr. the Third, you decide not to work and to hang out instead. Let me let you in on a secret … You’re the only one blaming yourself for not doing work. Jeramiah Jr. the Third is an awesome guy!! He has a comic book collection, respects the five-second rule and only wears sneakers with velcro. It’s a Tuesday night and you have nothing due tomorrow — allow yourself to live a little and not be too hard on yourself. After asking yourself these questions and answering them truthfully, my advice to you is to allow yourself to feel content with figuring out what you really want and why you want it. When you figure that out, it should be easy to lock in. Just like Taco Bell. Or Day Drinking.

Dear Doris,

How do I become more articulate?

1. Whenever you’re even the tiniest bit surprised say “wellll wellll wellllllllllllllllll.”

2. Say “pardon” instead of excuse me. Try it with a British accent too.

3. Speak with confidence. Donald Trump has no idea what he’s going to say next, but he speaks with so much vigor that even Hillary Clinton goes “shiiiiiiii, maybe he has a point.”

4. Use the word institution a lot. Within our institutions today, we have created a type of institution where the word institution is applicable in almost any context.

5. Say “one” Instead of I. For example: one would go to the store if one’s wiener weren’t stuck in a blender. Sounds a lot smarter, doesn’t it?

6. Buy a pipe. You don’t have to say anything, because if you’re smoking from a pipe (no … not the one for crack) you will look articulate.

7. Smoke Crack. Nobody else will be understand what you’re saying, but as far as you’re concerned, you’ll speak as eloquently as Shakespeare.

8. Have a weird laugh. People with weird laughs tend to overcompensate by speaking so much in an attempt to drive conversations away from anything humorous.

9. Read books. The book I linked below is a tough read, but it should help. https://www.amazon.com/Winnie-Pooh-Classic-Gift-Milne/dp/0525555315.com

10. Ignore everything I just said. Instead, learn a word every day and look up words you’ve never heard. I do this for myself, and it clearly worked wonders for my writing.

Views expressed in the opinions pages represent the opinions of the columnists. The only piece which represents the views of the Pipe Dream Editorial Board is the Staff Editorial.