That’s right Newing College, grab your hair straighteners and glitter glue pens. It’s that time of the semester again, when hordes of sorority pledges will bombard dining halls with zombie-like greetings.
Forget finding study refuge in the Glenn G. Bartle Library. Each floor will be lined with gossiping pledges, praying for a night of sleep. The clone army of North Face- and Ugg Boot-equipped drones want you to rush this semester. And if you can’t beat them, join them! Here are some tips for getting bids from Greek life royalty.
Step one: the look. We’ve already observed the required brand names for jackets and footwear. But you can spice it up with a bag you can fit your life into. Streamline as much as possible — side pony tail or wear your hair straight down. Nothing too complex, just make sure you have no individuality.
You are going to be travelling in packs, there will be no point in distinguishing yourself from your newest cult. I know, you’re dry pledging, but when out on the weekend, skanky and skimpy is essential. With your new party girl status, you better be wearing a shoulder bag for your fake ID and tumbling down State Street in stilettos.
Step two: the diet. Iceberg lettuce. And the occasional skinny soy latte grande frappuccino, no whip.
Step three: party on their level. Binge drinking is key. If you black out once a week, then you’re barely cutting it. We’re talking all-out shit-shows, a minimum of four times a week. Who wants to hear about someone’s night if they were only half-drunk or acting partially inebriated?
Once you cross you’ll have oodles of mixers to attend, with plenty of corner-based sulking opportunities. Outfit coordination is standard. Remember it’s all about attracting bro’d out frat guys. Meatheads expect sloppy messes. But be ready to pose because you know that at least the pre-game photo-op will go on Facebook.
Step four: the attitude. Arts and crafts, it’s a way of life. Every article of clothing you wear in the coming years will be decked out in Greek letters and animal patterns. Brace yourself for drama, the high school cattiness is back.
When you’re wasted, there’s no such thing as sloppy seconds. So what if your friend hooked up with him last week? Everyone is fair game. And it will make for perfect gossip all week long when recapping your crazy weekend. You and your sisters will cycle through the hottie frat guys fairly quickly anyway, so don’t be ashamed of passing around guys.
If you aren’t already pressured by society to look a certain way, your new found vanity will gear you up for eating disorders and numerous body issues. You will be under constant judgement, so it might be better to take on a spacey yet fake-nice persona. People might assume you are bitchy, shallow and self-absorbed. This is not true, they are just jealous of your exclusive lifestyle. This is your new shit-show college experience! The perfect, keg-filled and backstabbing way to make the friends of your life.