You would think that if you were fortunate enough to get away with murdering two people, let alone thousands (see Iraq War), and deceiving, manipulating and intimidating billions more, you would kind of, you know … lay low for a while.
Apparently, O.J. Simpson was not the only one incapable of learning this lesson.
After eight years of keeping us safe from the horrors of homosexuality and magically disappearing nuclear weapons, former Vice President Dick Cheney has finally emerged from that fiery, fear-inspiring subterranean chamber (aka “undisclosed location”) to attack President Obama. In a recent appearance on CNN, Mr. Cheney remarked that the president’s policies “will raise the risk to the American people of another attack.”
For all you non-double-speakers out there, this can be translated into: Obama’s doing a good job. In a very O.J.-esque fashion, Cheney vehemently denied his administration’s failures with that little thing called governing. Echoing the mindless mantra that characterized his tenure in office, Mr. Cheney insisted his “boss’” policies “kept us safe.” That is, except for one bright, sunny day in September when the president was too paralyzed with interest by a make-believe goat to even inquire as to the nature of a terrorist attack.
Memo to Cheney & Co.: The absence of violence on American shores does not necessarily mean the presence of security, but rather its illusion. The reason the terrorists have not attacked us is not because they’re incapable of deceiving high school drop outs with electronic wands, but since they killed so many of us on 9/11, they want the casualties of the next attack to surpass that. What can I say? They are ambitious psychopaths. Some people try to lift more weights at the gym, others try to beat their high scores in a video game, and the terrorists try to kill more Americans with each successive attack.
If you are going to unabashedly take credit for “success,” then you should graciously accept your failures (e.g. the economic crisis). But I digress. Much in the same way O.J. transferred blame for his wife’s murder to drug dealers, Cheney transferred blame for his intelligence failures, albeit in a more veiled sense, to the Clinton administration: “Now, I think part of the difficulty here as I look at what the Obama Administration is doing, we made a decision after 9/11 that I think was crucial. We said this is a war. It’s not a law enforcement problem. Up until 9/11, it was treated as a law enforcement problem. You go find the bad guy, put him on trial, put him in jail. The FBI would go to Oklahoma City and find the identification tag off the truck and go find the guy that rented the truck and put him in jail.”
Like most of his predecessors, the former vice president will be publishing his memoirs. He’s still hashing out the details, but rumor has it the book will be called “If I Raped America.”