I learned something new this week. Last Thursday was Alcohol Awareness Day. I would have never known it. If I had known about it, I would have probably had a glass of wine in its honor and acknowledged that yes, I was aware of alcohol.

I find the title appropriate ‘ Alcohol Awareness Day, as opposed to Alcohol Education Day, which often turns into: Hey, let’s tell kids alcohol is the most horrifying thing on the face of the planet, that will make you do things you would never do in your normal mental state ‘ Like, I don’t know, confess your sexual desires for a stranger, comrade or coworker. That’s what alcohol and drug education was for me in my school-age years, anyway. Drugs are bad, they’ll kill you and did you know you can die from Benadryl?

It was in those moments that I, in my usual hypochondriac state of mind, woke up from an antihistamine-induced zombie daze and checked my pulse rate to assure myself that warding off my horrific seasonal allergies was worth my mortality.

I suppose that alcohol is a different beast than illegal drugs, or even the misuse of prescription or over-the-counter drugs, because it’s something that can really be okay. I was brought up to know that a glass of wine is okay, and to never drive drunk. The messages I received from home were always convoluted by the videos in my health class, where the only kids drinking were the ones with tattoos of epic proportions, facial piercings, really long grimy hair, baggy ripped jeans and plaid mini skirts (note: All of these videos were from the ’90s).

To my innocent, over-achieving straight As and 15-year-old eyes, they were the bad kids. I knew something was wrong. My mother indulged in the weekend glass of wine, and she definitely did not dress like that.

To paraphrase from memory what these videos basically said: It’s just one drink, and it leads to your death! And if you haven’t died from your single beer, then you’ll start smoking weed, which is a gateway drug! And then, you’ll do coke, and then you’ll probably actually die, if you haven’t already died from that single beer.

If this was alcohol and drug education, I didn’t want to be educated. I wanted to be aware. To know what exists in the world, and how to properly address situations when they arise. Who wants to go to college and turn down a Keystone Light because it might lead to a chain of events that will ultimately lead to death? There are plenty of moral reasons for someone to turn down a Keystone Light, as choosing to not drink is just as respectable as choosing to drink responsibly. And let’s not forget the fact that Keystone Light tastes like what I imagine urine would be like. But without the proper kind of awareness, a string of ‘what-if’s’ could deter someone from possibly becoming, I don’t know, a beer connoisseur.

It’s ‘Reefer Madness’ (or ‘Tell Your Children!’ ‘ the film from the 1930s) syndrome: Rather than promoting awareness, we promote a conceptualized monster.

Unfortunately, I don’t really know how Alcohol Awareness Day was promoted. I didn’t become any more aware of the possible dangers it can pose, and I also didn’t become any more aware of how it can actually be quite complementary to a fine dining experience. I’m willing to bet Alcohol Awareness went out quietly because our society can’t handle simple awareness; we need to soak in our extremist ‘education.’ In our culture of extremism, we either abstain or binge.

We really need to relax.

I know a great way to classily relax, but I’m warning you: If you indulge, the floodgates to temptation may open. You’ll overdose on Benadryl and then go on ‘shrooms, and wake up with a case of the good ol’ herps. Or that’s the idea I got in Sex Ed, anyway.