Conflict resolution has never been a strong point among humans, especially Americans. It’s much easier to throw a fist or verbally abuse someone by using witty and vulgar statements about his or her mother/sexual orientation/intelligence. Wait, did you just say something about “turning the other cheek”? HAHAHA! (Yes, the capitalization was necessary to convey my exaggerated amusement over your ridiculous ignorance.) Forgiveness is like a charitable donation. You only give it when you feel guilty about something you did earlier. Sure, there are genuinely good people out there, such as nuns and, um … women about to become nuns. However, it’s never too late to learn how to be more forgiving. In the space below, I have provided some confrontational situations in which beating the offender to a pulp would seem like the best choice, but we will explore some alternate options.
Scenario for Males
It’s Monday. You just had six straight hours of classes. You failed two of the three midterms you took last week. Those two midterms you failed? You studied for hours, including that weekend where the party your friends threw was crashed by Kanye West. The one you didn’t fail? You winged it. You come home to your girlfriend in bed with six dudes and a chubby, middle-aged woman named Meredith holding a video camera. What do you do?
1. Hit your girlfriend for cheating on you only to get stomped simultaneously by the six guys she was with while it is captured on video by Meredith. Now you can relive the beating on YouTube along with 10 million other viewers.
2. Cry. (Yes, this will also be on YouTube.)
3. Ask if you can get a copy of the video.
Scenario for Females
You are at a party when you spot your crush across the room. Feeling confident in yourself (a.k.a., drunk), you walk over to him in order to impress him with your incredibly toned body you worked hard for, great sense of humor and charming personality. On the way, you are tripped by an ex-boyfriend and crash into the beer pong table … hard. Beer, cups and dignity fly everywhere. Silence falls upon the party as you sit bewildered in a pool of alcohol. Someone yells out, “Nice trip. See you next fall.” The entire room explodes into laughter, and even your crush is laughing. What do you do?
1. Slap your ex-boyfriend and talk in a very loud voice about how terrible his sexual performance is and render him “unable to get laid for the night.” Remember to project.
2. Slap the guy who yelled out that corny-ass joke.
3. Tell your crush that you are all wet and need some place to change. Ah, what an exciting beginning to an emotionally shaky and inevitably doomed relationship.
Scenario for Non-Assholes
You are late for a class in which attendance counts (English majors, you know what I’m talking about), but you forgot the book you were supposed to read and bring. You rush back to your place and double-park for an earth-shattering two minutes. You come back to find a police officer writing you a ticket. You try to explain you are in a rush and he pepper sprays you. You scream … then he tazes you. Oh, you are also marked absent. What do you do?
1. Sue the cop for being an “asshole.” While in court, you should use the more politically correct term, el asshole. [optional] If you are a minority, don’t forget to play the race card.
2. Take down the cop’s name and badge number to complain to his superior officer. When you get to the precinct, you are told to wait for a certain period of time before the captain can speak to you. You wait for an eternity.
3. Grow accustomed to being electrocuted and ask the cop to taze you again. He won’t mind. After the incident, you graduate college to become a stock broker (I know, a purely fictional occupation at the present) by day and masochist by night. Leather not included.
The scenarios I have provided are obviously extreme and for humorous purposes. However, I was serious (for at least a moment) when I said that conflict resolution is not a strong point among us. With a little more tact and patience, we will be able to be more tolerant of other people’s actions and words. Peace in the Middle East!
1. Slap William for the last sentence.