Dear Diary,
While most girls grow green with envy over another female’s possessions, whether it be over a significant other or this season’s Prada clutch, my envy runs far deeper and than some. The object of my jealousy cannot be snatched away from another girl, nor can it be purchased in a trendy boutique. Rather, it is situated right below the navel of the opposite sex. It is an organ I will forever hold (no innuendo intended) in high regard. By carefully observing the male species, the perks of possessing a penis have been taunting me tremendously. Through his psychoanalysis, the bodacious Sigmund Freud would deem me to be experiencing penis envy. Where exactly does this envy stem from?
As we all know (and as most have encountered), the female sex is comprised of catty bitches (please mind my political incorrectness). Naturally, when a group of girls congregate, you can be sure that drama is tagging close behind. Seldom is the issue at hand resolved quickly with a simple solution. Unfortunately, that would be too easy, and we will not rest until the matter is further complicated. Drama has the tendency to cultivate more nonsensical drama, while the actual reason for the squabble is insignificant and long forgotten.
On the other hand, guys do not experience drama with other guys. In fact, most men are unfamiliar with the term. Typically, male-on-male conflicts do not last long enough for drama to unfold and develop. I envy the fact that they are capable of ending an argument with the simple, yet concise phrase “hug it out, bitch.” It appears to be an effective resolution for Ari and E on “Entourage,” so I decided to dip my toes into the pool of testosterone and test the waters out for myself. Accordingly, I uttered the line in midst of an argument with a former friend of mine, to which she responded by calling me a “fugly skank” (she obviously did not receive the memo that bitch is a term of endearment). Apparently, a penis is required in order for the phrase to work sufficiently.
Aside from not experiencing the joys of menstruation and pregnancy, gender differences can also create hairy situations. Thanks to testosterone, guys have the innate ability to look more attractive when they are unkempt and unshaven. Regrettably, I cannot say the same for females. The majority of us are unrecognizable without our daily hair and makeup regimen. While a little scruff on a guy can turn an eight into a perfect 10, most of us ladies will not go as far as to leave the house until each eyebrow is plucked to perfection.
According to Mr. Freud, it is uncharacteristically late in life to be experiencing such penis envy. I suppose this jealousy can be compared to desiring that which we cannot have (i.e. curly haired girls wanting straight hair, chasing after unavailable guys, etc.). These are the moments in life when my mother’s thick Brooklyn accent enters my conscience and advises me to appreciate the many blessings I have been born with. Glancing down at my body, I experience an epiphany as a blinding light shines upon my own supple blessings. I realize that, sure, having a penis has its own advantages, but having these boobs to wake up to every morning is pretty cool, too. Not only will my mother be proud of my newly discovered gratitude, but now all of you guys with castration anxiety can breathe just a little more easily.