As I wait on the “line that never quite seems to end” at the coffee kiosk for the third pick-me-up cup of the day, I cannot help but overhear the gentleman behind me say to his dear companion, “Yo man, check out the ass on that one,” as a leggy brunette strolls by. While I ponder whether cocking your head slightly to the right really optimizes the view of the ass, I realize that I have been hearing the same debate amongst men for as far back as I can remember. The ever so popular question, are you an ass man or boob man?

As we are faced with many important decisions in 2008, I want to be an active voter in this big debate. My vote is in and it’s all about the ass in ‘08. As I peer around at my fellow students’ behinds using my newly found head-cocking technique (which was not as effective as I undoubtedly presumed), I notice a recurring problem within the swarming pool of testosterone-filled men. The tribulation I speak of is that “baby don’t got back.” Everywhere I turn I see sundry mistakes that the majority of the male population unknowingly makes with the fit of their pants. Too baggy, too loose, too tight — wait, do I have those skinny jeans in a lighter fade? Is it that they are unaware of the fact that girls check out their bootylicious jellies? Listen up, guys, it turns out we do and it is time to flaunt what your momma gave you.

So here are my words of wisdom for those guys who are subject to change. If your jeans begin mid-thigh, about a couple inches too few above the knees, you will be highly admired for your ability to defy gravity, but that’s about it. Now, if you and I share the same jeans and/or the same size, you will also be marveled at for generating innovative ways to place your penis inside the constricted crotchal region of your low-rise jeans, but come on, leave some room for our imaginations to run wild. And as for those of you who just rolled out of bed and are now walking on campus in your favorite sweats, your boner is showing (made you look!). There has to be a middle ground somewhere along the line, right? Girls should not be the only ones doing a double-take — OK, fine, a triple-take — in the mirror before they step out into a world obsessed with the one most important asset of both men and women alike. So next time you are in the fitting room contemplating which jeans to purchase, just remember the advice I gave you: “’cause you notice that butt was stuffed deep in the jeans he’s wearing, I’m hooked and I can’t stop staring.”

Behind every great woman is a guy checking out her ass. And behind that guy, I will be standing with my head cocked slightly to the right. My name is Dawn Eisner and I am an ass wo-man.