Welcome snot-nosed freshmen!

I’m told that this folded set of tree-based sheets is what past generations would’ve called a newspaper. Apparently, our grandparents used these ‘newspapers’ for more than just starting fires ‘ hard to believe, I know. I’m also told that these things are supposed to contain information.

So, in accordance with antiquated tradition, I present to you: Seven Things to Know About, as a Baby Bearcat.

1. Shirley, Cashier at Hinman Dining Hall

Shirley will brighten your day and make your food taste better. She’s the only Sodexo employee with a Facebook fan page, and deservedly so. Easily Hinman’s best feature, she is arguably our school’s greatest asset.

2. The Turks

For whatever reason, there are always a couple hundred exchange students from Turkey here at Binghamton. As far as I can tell, they are all awesome. Make friends with at least one.

3. BU’s Orwellian Police Presence

If you’re on campus, you’re never more than 100 yards from a cop. Look sharp. I’m sure the overwhelming majority of the state troopers at BU are understanding, reasonable police officers. I just haven’t met any of them yet.

4. The Library, Club Bartle

A pit of darkness. Personally, I use it as a shortcut between the Union and Lecture Hall.

5. Weekend Destinations: where to drink, eat and dance

The following plugs are controversial, but they’re at least a decent start for you froshies. If you’d like to enjoy a drink or three, Tom and Marty’s is a solid college bar as far as I’m concerned. They have jars of beer there, which is good enough for me.

For late night eating, Escape State Street has the ‘Woppa’ sandwich. That’s all you need to know, really.

If you need a place to dance, Zeta Psi (though it pains me to admit) is usually worth the cover. And if you really want to tear it up, there’s the White House on Washington Street, otherwise known as Club Casablanca. But I hear it’s really exclusive.

6. (relatively) Famous Alumni

We’ve got Tony Kornheiser, the bald sports pundit. He wrote for Pipe Dream, reppin’. Paul Reiser, a stand-up comedian and actor ‘ he’s the guy from ‘Mad About You’ ‘ found the Hinman Production Company. Billy Baldwin is a Baldwin. He attended Binghamton and wrestled. He also starred in the movie ‘Double Bang,’ which I had never heard of until I looked him up a second ago.

Our most important and visible celebrity alum, though, is the unstoppably upbeat woman in the recent line of Progressive commercials. Stephanie Courtney’s reckless enthusiasm for fairly-priced car insurance truly epitomizes the Bearcat spirit.

7. Winter Survival

Winter in Binghamton (to put it lightly, because I lack the adjectival strength) is simply devastating. It isn’t as much of a season as it is a six-month test of the human spirit.

From roughly October to March, the sun is visible for a total of maybe nine minutes. Temperatures are Siberian, harsh winds are constant and it snows often, of course, but almost never enough to be fun.

You will want to transfer, which is normal. Freshman year is the hardest, too. By February, you will have forgotten that it was ever warm here ‘ and (unlike sophomores, juniors and seniors) you won’t have the fond memory of Springhamton, when the sun returns to campus, when your life begins anew.

Honestly, though, there’s no real tip I can give you for a Binghamton Winter. There’s nothing I can say to make the bad months better. Just try to remember that it will get better. And just live, god damn it.