Gather ‘round, my friends, and listen to me talk at you for a while. I just learned about John McCain’s running mate, Sarah Palin. This is something that upsets me greatly.

For those of you who haven’t been glued to the news lately (what the hell is wrong with you? Go! Go turn on CNN!), Sarah Palin is the current Republican governor of Alaska. In terms of political experience, Palin has very little; she served on the Wasilla City Council from 1992 to 1996 before successfully running for the office of mayor. She’s been the governor since December of 2006, before which she was the chairperson of the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission from 2003 to 2004.

So why is she McCain’s pick for vice president?

McCain has been trumpeting his experience over Barack Obama throughout the election. According to the Republican camp, a vote for Obama is a vote for untested, uncertain leadership, while a vote for McCain will keep the bad people away from your children.

Drafting an unexperienced political newbie for the second-highest office in the government goes against all the bullshit rhetoric McCain has spewed for months.

The most likely explanation for Palin’s presence on the ticket is so that McCain can lock up the votes of disgruntled Hillary supporters. If this sounds fucked up to you, it is, for two reasons. For one, there is really nothing in McCain’s platform that a true Hillary supporter would go along with. For another, it’s a move that will probably work.

Don’t get me wrong now. There are plenty of former Hillary voters who will see reason and transfer their allegiance to a candidate that actually represents them and their positions. But unfortunately, the bitter feud between Hillary and Barack has created some pretty nutty “Anyone But Obama” groups, filled with people who are consumed with nonsensical vitriol. (Which, funnily enough, is normally what liberals expect from republicans.)

I’d like to be able to say that McCain’s suck-up move to frustrated, unbalanced democrats will be unsuccessful. If I said that to you, however, I would be a liar and a terrible person. But it’s more than likely that if this petty, underhanded move convinces anyone to vote for McCain, they were probably going to do so anyway.

At least, that’s what I tell myself so I can sleep at night. I wonder what McCain tells himself? How does he fool himself into thinking he’s not a vote-leech, preying on the insecurities of innocent Americans?

I mean, I wouldn’t be able to do it. I wouldn’t be able to hide from the truth like that.