Overwhelmed with two papers and a midterm, I began to watch “What Women Want” with Mel Gibson. In short, our friend of the Jews and gentiles is graced with the ability to read the minds of women in hopes of changing his womanizing ways. While watching halfheartedly, I imagined myself as one of the women in the movie. What occupies the majority of my thoughts? I drew two imaginary thought bubbles above my head. In one, I place food; the other, sex. One gives me a reason to get up in the morning and the other provides a reason to hop into bed at night.
Through serious procrastination, I have cracked the code that will finally give women exactly what they want.
Let’s face it — everyone wants good sex, but unfortunately our reality is nothing like the impractical circumstances we see in movies. It would be futile to expect guys to read our minds and infer our hopes and desires. Before committing to a night that may end on a sour note, I believe it is possible to use food as a means of foretelling a guy’s performance in bed. You don’t have to be Mel Gibson or Miss Chloe to read into the future of your potential sex life. It is time to take matters into your own hands, and in this case, into the hands of a carefully selected companion. In order to gain insight into your man’s sex performance, simply observe his eating habits.
Subject One: The Sloppy Gorger. Seldom do I lose my appetite, yet I never quite feel hunger pangs when graced by Sloppy G’s presence. He chows down with one sole objective in mind and is oblivious to those around him. While you attempt to engage in conversation, you can tell the savage inside of him is thinking, “All for me; none for you,” and you best believe he’s bringing the same motto into the bedroom. Always in a mad rush, he finishes his meal before you even start on the first course. If you dare snag a bite from his plate, be prepared to protect your pretty little fingers from the raft of his fork, ‘cause homeboy ain’t stoppin’. He’s not what we like to call a giver, so don’t be surprised if he needs a nap after inhaling his food. Sorry, ladies, but tonight he is not going to have any energy left for you.
Subject Two: The Picky Nibbler. Although he may have the best of intentions, his boyish nerves get the better of him. He pokes and prods at his food, but is not entirely able to indulge in his meal. Not much of a risk taker with his mundane lifestyle, his choice of nourishment is equally conventional. His excessively cautious manners have an adverse effect, which prompts several awkward silences during the course of the meal. If you happen to decide to continue the evening with him, anticipate that you will be wearing the pants in this relationship. As for cautionary advice, you should not devote yourself to this fellow if you merely perceive him as another fixer upper. It would be a vain and fruitless endeavor to change a nibbler into a gnasher overnight, and one would be a meshuggener to think otherwise.
Subject Three: The Intuitive Eater. While asking of your approval along the way, he initiates the date and takes charge in making reservations. He often ventures into cuisines of the exotic and unknown, but above all, he reverences being able to partake in this culinary experience with you. You do not have to fret over having any body parts severed while in his company. He insists on sharing his dish with you and applies the same ideals when making the transition from the restaurant to the bedroom. Mmm, now that’s the perfect balance between good food and great sex that does the body right.
While Subject One was too fiery for the palette and Subject Two was a bit too cold, praise the lord and raise the roof because Subject Three has proved to be Mr. Right. There is no shame in feeling like Hornylocks and the Three Bears because after much trial and error, I have finally concocted the recipe that reveals the mystery behind what women really want. In your face, Mel Gibson!