Ladies and gentlemen of the admissions committee, do not judge my application on the basis of what I have done, but on what I could do if selected this year.
I know my competition likes to talk about change. I’m so much of a change I’ll turn your graduate program into a perpetual dance party and turn your undergraduate program into one of those neat balloon animals. Naps for everyone and one hour of recess. Read my lips, Ph.D. candidates: more snacks.
Just look at my record. Don’t stare too closely at the GPA, it might start to make you question my ability to lead Binghamton University into a competitive global market. Don’t look at my poor attendance records, because I can change. I believe that all we need is hope and change, and unicorns; so on second thought, don’t worry about my record.
Let’s get back to the issues. I can make your sports teams win. How, you ask? Plans are irrelevant; other teams could find plans. All you need to know is that if you select me, I will personally see to it that every single team at this University goes undefeated, even though we’ll still have all the same players.
I know we’re all worried about rising tuition costs. Don’t worry, I’ve got it all figured out. I get it. I’m going to make sure the tuition stays low and still give you money back, before I’m even able to be one of your biggest endowments. I’m just that good.
Main Street is hurting. So is State Street and all the other streets where your bars are. If you select me as a student at your school, I promise to single-handedly enact the broadest economic revival plan your town has ever seen. I’m even willing to conduct multilateral talks with international beers to see if there is a diplomatic solution to revitalizing our economy, both nationally and locally.
I’m just like you, so you don’t need to think of me as some intellectual snob. I’m here to help bail you out of all the bad decisions you make. You need a student like me to really convince your other students that it’s OK to pay millions of dollars for your questionable decisions, in the interest of keeping the University from going under. You’ll also be needing me to plan the ritzy spa retreat that you’ll then spend that money on. I’m a terrific events planner.
A lot of people like to bring up race, gender or competence when they talk about applications. Well, I don’t believe in any of it — competence should be secondary to whether or not the professors at your school would be willing to have a drink with me. Did I say with me? I meant on me. Free drinks for everyone if you select me!
But don’t get me wrong — I’m also a maverick. I have taken on the big guys at other universities in the past. All those general education requirements? I really took the higher-ups to task on those, and don’t think that I’ll stop just because you let me into your school. For example, I still really don’t want to take gym, but for you people, well, I guess maybe I’ll skip that second Crunch Wrap Supreme. I could even suspend my application if you want, like I mean, if you guys have some really big admissions thing going on, I could come over and, I mean, I don’t know, do some interviews or something. I’ll be there, because your school means more to me than getting into your school.
In the end, Admissions Committee, I’m just like you. I’m just a student that really wants to help fix this University because this University, it’s broken. All those Administration Building hotshots, well, they’ve been in there too long. They don’t remember what it’s like to be one of us. But I get it. I really do.
It was at this moment that the imminent collapse of the global economy startled me from my illusions of grandeur. On the plus side, it was temporarily entertaining to discover that all the uncertainties of my future make one hell of a nightmare.