In the era of HDTVs and easily pirated Blu-ray video files, the fate of movie theaters is becoming similar to a glacier’s: obsolescence. Why pay the outrageous $10.25 to watch a grainy projection on a wall accompanied by a sticky floor, when you can watch the same movie in crystal clear video for free on your HDTV accompanied with a sticky floor? The experience of going to a movie theater is now only enjoyable regardless of what is on screen under two conditions; you are sucking face with an aesthetically pleasing date or … I can’t think of another scenario, except the progression of the aforementioned sucking of face (which may also explain the sticky floors).
Even if the cause for movie theaters is hopeless, four major motion picture production companies are not giving up. Walt Disney, 20th Century Fox, Paramount and Universal announced a deal Tuesday to convert 10,000 traditional theaters to digital projection systems. Finally, movie theaters will join us in the 21st century and get rid of those outdated reels of film, which are costly to print and ship. The deal was not only to update the projection systems in theaters, but also to get them ready for the plethora of 3-D movies coming out next year.
The move is smart because not even your expensive, forget-paying-off-your-student-loans HDTV can show movies in 3-D. This will make movie theaters the exclusive place to watch 3-D cinema. Because of the futuristic experience, 3-D movies have becoming moneymaking machines at the box office. For example, “Hannah Montana & Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert” made $31 million in its opening weekend on only 683 screens, which is one-fifth the amount of screens of a typical release. I don’t even know who Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus are, but I know they’re rich now.
Under the deal, the four Hollywood studios agreed to pay “virtual printing fees” which will allow theater owners to buy the necessary equipment, estimated at $75,000 a screen. The corporate clowns of show business are crossing their fingers and sacrificing desperate C-list actresses to the Oscar statue for this to work. You don’t know how embarrassing it is for the CEO of Universal to hang out with his buddies from Big Tobacco and be the only one without his own island. He’s already shamed by the fact that he’s driving a Mercedes S600 when he could be driving a hovercraft fueled by the tears of underprivileged children.
3-D movies are great for friends and families, but not for dates. It’s hard to look cool in those glasses, and even if you do get to making out, you’ll get in the way of the elderly couple behind you, who can’t figure out how to use the glasses in the first place because they forgot where their eyes are.
Although the tone of this column may seem derisive toward the conversion of movie theaters, it is actually applauding it. I welcome the upgrades, even if they weren’t mainly to better the experience of viewers, but a desperate effort for movie studios to get rich quickly before someone figures out how to pirate the technology.
3-D movies are certainly an upgrade, but I’m still waiting for those holographic movies I was promised. I want to actually feel like I’m in the movie, and stand next to a life-size hologram of Natalie Portman so I can touch her heart with my words (no sexual innuendo intended … but welcomed).