Last month, Vogue published an article titled “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” that made one thing abundantly clear — no matter what a woman does, she will be criticized and dubbed “annoying.”
The article sparked a frenzy of half-baked, mostly critical responses. Despite totaling fewer than 1,000 words, many people evidently could not take the time out of their day to read past the title and maybe skimmed a sentence or two before tossing their two cents into the discourse.
For those of you who somehow managed to avoid the article, it delves into how showcasing your boyfriend on social media or making your partner an integral part of your identity is embarrassing and out of style. The article describes a cultural shift in which women no longer center their relationships and can focus on other pursuits. This is primarily because they don’t rely on men in the same way they did in the past, and they can show up and thrive in the public sphere rather than being forced into domestic roles.
In today’s day and age, having a partner is no longer viewed as an accomplishment, just part of life. And sometimes, according to the article, it might be something that is holding you back from being the most interesting version of yourself.
Much of the initial response proved the author, Chanté Joseph’s, point. Readers immediately accused single women of being bitter toward their partnered friends and girlfriends were quick to show off their boyfriends to prove how unashamed they were of their heterosexual, monogamous relationships.
Joseph’s point was misconstrued by some and ignored by others, possibly because of defensiveness and discomfort at being shamed for something as human as seeking companionship. People superimpose their life circumstances onto every piece of media without zooming out and recognizing that, while not everything applies to them, it might tell us something important about society at large. It is essential to examine how this article and its reaction align with the current political climate and what they reveal about a culture war that remains alive and well among young people.
On one hand, there is a rise in conservatism and traditional values among certain segments of Gen Z, as they are being promoted and marketed to both men and women. There is an increase in “tradwife” content that tells young women their sole purpose is homemaking and child-rearing, and that they should defer to and remain subservient to their husbands. On the other hand, we see the normalization of “girlbosses” choosing to marry later, prioritizing their careers or opting out of dating and marriage entirely. Moreover, mainstream media perpetuates the idea that women are either career-driven or family-oriented, and you can’t possibly be both.
We are all unwittingly part of a culture war, but what if we don’t want to participate? It is so hard to escape this paradigm that forces women into boxes and politicizes their choices, especially as it has become a binary with little room for nuance. This is not to put down women who publicly promote the restriction of women to the home, but to acknowledge that most women make choices that feel authentic to them, and they don’t do so as a statement.
This politicization of our choices feels inescapable, and defining yourself as someone who decenters men is somewhat circular. For example, in recent years, “soft launching” a relationship has become much more popular than making a dedicated post to a partner on one’s social media. When I explained this concept to my mom, she said it sounded exhausting and labor-intensive. Despite people’s best efforts, they end up expending just as much energy in their quest not to be viewed as a woman who lives for men.
It is easy to view femininity as a performance, but we must acknowledge that the flip side is also true. This reminds me of the Margaret Atwood quote, “Even pretending you aren’t catering to male fantasies is a male fantasy … You are a woman with a man inside watching a woman. You are your own voyeur.”
Gender performance is inescapable. Women will be criticized regardless of how male-centered they are. Every woman’s actions are filtered through the perspective of men, so even the feeling of personal autonomy is an illusion.
Opting out of a relationship and personally disavowing a male-centered worldview is not enough — not in the age of social media, where our attitudes are dictated by trend cycles. Trends thrive under exposure. Your behavior is going to be scrutinized no matter what, so your intentions don’t matter nearly as much as your contribution to the online ecosystem and whatever narratives are circulating there.
Therefore, is it worthwhile to put in the effort to appear like you aren’t male-centered, even if that is counterproductive?
Internalizing the idea that your proximity to a man has any bearing on how interesting, creative or intelligent you are can truly mess with your self-perception. The article shines a spotlight on women whose identities are so wrapped up in their boyfriend or husbands that witnessing their content becomes cringe and uninteresting. Rather than critiquing a society that surely has come very far but still has a very long way to go in terms of valuing women beyond their ability to get a man, we label women who struggle to detangle themselves from these expectations as annoying. It truly seems like the worst thing a woman can be is annoying, and whether you are complicit in the system around you or critical of it as a woman, there’s no winning.
Shefa Stein-Talesnick is a sophomore majoring in philosophy, politics and law.
Views expressed in the opinions pages represent the opinions of the columnists. The only piece that represents the view of the Pipe Dream Editorial Board is the staff editorial.