People have a lot of complaints about Binghamton University. It’s cold. Hawley is always on fire. There are classes. But most of all, we don’t have a football team.
Then, Sunday’s miserable Super Bowl got us thinking: If Bearcats football were a thing, would it just be disappointing? Yes, because Binghamton.
For starters, if BU had a football team, we’d need a Binghamton Bearcats Football Stadium. We assume this would be creatively named “Football Stadium” to match the rest of campus, but if we did open up to corporate sponsorship, where would “M&T Field” go? We could always just level Old Dickinson and call it a day — or bulldoze the Marketplace and close down campus for another 18-month (and counting!) renovation. Regardless, it would still smell like Indian food for years.
But how would having a football team impact our campus culture? Could BU students possibly drink more than they already do?
Think about it. With students already getting loud on Friday and Saturday nights, adding Saturday afternoon tailgates to the mix would lead to an ungodly swell in alcohol intake. Harpur’s Ferry would need backup. It would be like Parade Day every weekend, and we could be like our friends at Michigan and other big-time football schools and post tailgating pics to Facebook at 9 a.m. after a night out.
Besides, what’s the sense in taking on a whole new initiative when there are plenty of things we’re great at? Maybe we ought to stick to what we’re best at: being cold, complaining about the cold, complaining about people complaining about the cold, shoplifting from the Night Owl and eating Chobani.
Also, we’d lose. That much is clear. And unless you enjoyed watching a near-tears Peyton Manning shrink as his career flashed before his eyes, we think fans may be more than slightly disappointed with our would-be record.
If we had a football team, that would also pretty much squash the whole “Binghamton Football: Undefeated” bit. Which is, like, so funny. Still. After all these years.
Of course, we could lower our academic standards to recruit blue-chip prospects that couldn’t even get into Albany. But we’ve been there and done that with men’s basketball, and we know how that turned out.
Having a football team would mean being one step closer to the classic “Blue Mountain State” college experience, and who needs that? Not us.