We have illusions that sexual assault is a faraway phenomenon.
But sexual violence is neither distant nor rare. The fact of the matter is that students on our campus, like those on any other, encounter sexual violence at staggering rates. One in four college women report surviving rape or attempted rape. We have no reason to believe our campus is any different.
We imagine sexual violence as the cinematic horror story: a blatant attack, often of a woman, in a shady alley, readily apparent as rape. In reality, sexual violence is more complex and has many forms: rape by force; sex compelled by guilt, manipulation or power; molestation; sexual humiliation. Failing to acknowledge these situations for what they are closes the door on the crucial dialogue surrounding sexual assault, and prevents survivors from being able to come to terms with what they’ve undergone.
As research for our sex issue, we probed readers about their sex lives.
“I didn’t know that I was going to have anal sex the first time I did,” wrote one respondent. “My boyfriend tied up my arms and legs and duct-taped my mouth. We had vaginal sex with me bent over my bed and him fucking me from behind, then he slowly pushed his dick into my ass. It hurt, but eventually I eased into it.”
What this respondent describes is rape.
Just because she didn’t say no doesn’t make this any less horrifying a violation or invasion of her body. Sadly, “no means no” is no longer enough. That’s why we need to change the way we speak about and process sexual violence. We are likely the last generation to have been taught only “no means no,” as high schools begin to shift the conversation toward a more definitive standard for sexual assault. What we need now is an era of “only yes means yes.”
On our own campus, we unconsciously harbor notions that perpetuate systems of sexual manipulation. The expectation that a person will put out because they get invited to a formal, for the most part, doesn’t elicit any backlash. Think about it, though. For anyone to be expected to have sex in exchange for being invited to a party is nothing short of prostitution masquerading as college custom. What happens, then, when the naïve freshman isn’t aware of the tacit terms of agreeing to go to a formal?
Sexual assault largely goes unreported because even the survivor has a hard time acknowledging the attack. Survivors — not victims — cannot be met with suspicion. Judgment, in all instances, should be reserved for the attacker. Greater transparency and compassion towards sexual violence will motivate students to reevaluate their pasts.
We can do better than this. We must do better.