If Binghamton University is ever looking to hire a PODS Computer Patrolwoman, I’d like to offer my services. There is a surplus of rude idiots who have some undying love for hogging computers.

Be it the clueless girl sitting at the Express Printing Station, sifting through months of spam mail, or the gaggle of imbeciles taking up four computers while all doing work on their laptops, there is a shortage of smart computer users in the PODS and it’s driving me nuts.

A few days ago I spent close to 15 minutes walking in circles throughout the PODS in the Glenn G. Bartle Library, desperately trying to find an open computer. What did I see during my stroll through Binghamton’s personal Ferngully?

I saw two girls logged into two different computers, with both of them on their laptops looking at the Victoria’s Secret website, which HAD to have been more important than my paper proposal.

I saw a guy in a frat sweatshirt clicking “Older Posts” on Facebook like it was going out of style. I suppose that counts as work, if he’s taking Stalking 101.

I saw one girl printing out enough pages of minuscule Power Point slides to publish and bind her own version of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (which my nerd self knows is a whopping 736 pages long).

And how many people did I see doing quality work that didn’t involve updating their Facebook status or mutilating an entire forest of redwoods? Not many. And it infuriated me.

Going to do work at the PODS is unnecessarily tedious. Walking in there, you expect to waste at least 10 minutes trying to find a computer and at least 10 more waiting on line to print. Just this past Thursday, I got elbowed in the head by some radioactively tall idiot, who was dressed in pajamas and doing yoga poses while waiting on line for the printers.

Elbowed in the head. Now that’s when the stupidity of the PODS has gone too far. He apologized profusely, but I just stared absently at him while he spoke, willing myself to not go on a killing rampage.

Are the kids who take over the PODS like it’s some sort of bomb shelter the same kids who got into Binghamton after transferring from Nassau Community College? Because I’ve heard enough stupid talk to write a book called “I Hate People and This Is Why.”

I heard the best nugget of brain-dead blabbering the other day while I sat at my computer, which I had just beat out a short blonde girl to use. (Take that, bitch.)

A guy and a girl were sitting at the computer next to me. They were already pissing me off with their obnoxiously loud conversation about the unfairness of their professor — a common conversation topic among stupid people — but it was something the guy said that made me question how he ties his shoes every day.

Somehow they started talking about medicine, and the girl proclaimed that her allergies were so bad that she was taking Nyquil all night and Dayquil all day. The guy she was with leaned in as if he were Admiral Ackbar and she had just revealed the blueprints to the Death Star and said, “Wait. Wait. What’s a Dayquil?”

I rest my case.