Dear freshman Elena,
You think you’re hot shit but you have barely any idea of the experiences you will encounter. You will be humbled. You have the right to be confident and unintimidated, but don’t be blinded by your new freedom. As your 20-year-old future self, I’d like to share some wisdom. You’re going to need it.
Workload. You thought a full AP schedule was tricky; it was a joke. The work is not going to stop until the semester is over and everything’s due at the same time. Sleep when you’re dead, or when you go home. Sleep, grades, friends — choose two.
Know your strengths — working well under pressure is all well and good, but all-nighters are anything but glamorous. There is no harm in skimming, color coding and to-do lists. Stay ahead and balanced.
All of your childhood staples, including “Mario Kart,” grilled cheese and Dunkaroos, will be back for the better.
When one guy breaks your heart, don’t get hung up on it. There is not a shortage of douchebags around here. Sometimes the most perfect guys won’t work out and there is no point in overanalyzing that. In the end, the Glenn G. Bartle Library is the best and most loyal boyfriend you’ll ever have.
Yes, you will go out on Thursdays with a morning class on Friday. Sleep deprivation cannot stop you; go to class. Caffeinated beverages are made for this. And naps are your best friend.
If you go out with intentions, you will most likely end up disappointed. Nothing will go down. If you go out without expectations, your mind will be blown. It will be one of those nights where you wake up on a stranger’s front porch wearing a banana suit, blissfully confused as to how it even happened.
If there is a glowing Mr. Clean bottle next to the punch, don’t drink it. If there is steak sauce in the punch, don’t drink it. Deal with pregaming and suck it up — drink beer or bring your own liquor. You’re in a sketchy situation as it is, at least be aware of what you are consuming.
Welcome failure. Mistakes are stepping stones, and trust me, you will be able to laugh it off by next weekend. Making a fool of yourself builds character.
State Street wardrobes are generally skimpy at best. Be aware of the attention you are about to receive. Trashy attracts trashy. Over-the-top just brings out over-the-top. There is nothing sweeter than wearing a hoodie Downtown. The liberation is unreal.
Men love “mental challenges.” So if you are withdrawn and don’t show all your cards from the beginning, he’ll be coming back to win you over. Go for what you want, but more importantly — be pursued. Screw the catch-all methods, every guy is an exception to some rule.
A guy’s cockiness is inversely proportional to his sexual performance. Simple as that. A guy’s illusion of attitude and machoness masks his lack of actual skill.
Distance makes the heart grow fonder, yeah right. Long distance is a slow and tragic breakdown. Save yourself the agony. This life is not a fairytale.
Embrace public transportation. Be careful, though, and get on the right buses; otherwise, you will suffer abandonment. And don’t worry, you’ll soon have your own car and all that will be over. In the meantime, develop solid relationships with cabdrivers. Your loyalty will increase their reliability.
Explore your campus thoroughly. Find the hidden passages, bookcase entrances and, of course, slides. If there is a roof, there is a way to the top.
Creatively spice up your life with pranks. Start small. Saran wrap, shaving cream or tin foil. After you’ve honed the basic skills, go big or go home. And remember, there’s no silver medal in a prank war.
Never be satisfied with the evolution you’ve made. Always want more for yourself and everyone around you. Take advantage of the opportunities around you. I know you have “so much work!” but take time to enjoy your surroundings. It’ll go by faster than you think.
From, your future self.