Miriam Geiger/Editorial Artist

You bought me four drinks at Tom & Marty’s. I don’t really like you or think you’re that attractive, but I’m poor. Happy Valentine’s Day!

I’ll hold you close all through winter, if you swipe right for me on Tinder. Xoxo, 5 miles away.

I still want to hook up with you even though your ex-girlfriend just liked your profile picture. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Love is just a social construct, and Valentine’s Day is totally heteronormative anyway. Let’s hate it together.

(Works Cited: Slavoj Žižek, Judith Butler, my English 320 professor)

There’s a reason we went to the Marketplace and not the dining hall. It’s because I love you.

Be my Valentine and I will send you pics.