Spring break 2.0 has come and gone, and for better or worse, we’re back in Binghamton for this semester’s home stretch. It’s time for Pipe Dream to advocate brazen stupidity and titillating haberdashery. Disclaimer: the following list is strictly for scientific reference purposes only, and should not be taken to imply Pipe Dream endorsement of any of the mentioned activities, prognostications or sexual fetishes.
SENIORS
27 days left, people. It’s crunch time. Whether you enjoyed your time here or not, you can make the most out of neglecting to prepare for your final finals.
1. Embrace Bar Crawl. Now that you’re finally old enough to enjoy Binghamton’s No. 2 drinking holiday legally, go crazy.
2. Take advantage of the Nature Preserve. Really take advantage of the Nature Preserve. Nobody but the deer will ever find out what goes on beyond the tree line, so don’t hesitate to try some of the funky stuff and let nature come to life. You haven’t had your fill until the trees start to talk, the clouds start to sing, the creeks start to whistle and the rocks begin to chant. Make your time in the Nature Preserve an interactive experience, but remember to let these sensations subside before you hit concrete once more.
3. Have sex in an exotic locale. Hopefully you’ve already made some progress in this regard, but it’s springtime. Lust is in the air and the game’s afoot. If you’ve already spent a sultry night making sweet, sweet love in the stacks of the Glenn G. Bartle Library, do it during the day. If you’ve already canoodled in the Anderson Center, why not on top of the Anderson Center? Other options include the greenhouse, Ross Park Zoo, Wegmans, Aaron’s desk in the Pipe Dream office, the McGuire Building or an in-service blue bus.
4. Road trip during Senior Week. If you haven’t travelled at least four hours, you haven’t gone far enough. Forget about Ithaca, Syracuse, Buffalo and Albany. You should be aiming for the stars — the literal stars, but if you can’t make it to outer space, then consider the alternatives. Take a turn as a riverboat gambler, find yourself in Serbia, run with some goat-herders in Peru or get your kicks out on Route 66. If you can’t manage these options, at least cross the state line.
FRESHMEN
Biddies, you’ve still got some time, assuming you’re not transferring to Cornell. The senior list still applies to you, but since you’ve got a ways to go, we’ve got some extra challenges for you.
1. Embrace Parade Day. It’s the greatest day of the year.
2. Find your way onto the pages of Pipe Dream. Weekend Warriors is a popular choice, but there’s always Police Watch.
3. Ride the First Friday trolley. Because you have to. Also, there’s art or something.
4. Take advantage of Binghamton’s amazing weather with some high-octane traying.
5. Steal things. Furniture, exams, spoons.
6. Visit the Vestal Parkway Wal-Mart after midnight. You’ll see.
7. Dance with the sky giant at Tom and Marty’s.
8. Three words: Rasa Von Werder. Share an intimate dance, snap a couple photos.
9. Get ferociously drunk and attend the Dollar Show.
10. Study abroad.
11. Go spelunking through some of the dark corridors of the campus’ underbelly.
12. Build a snow-based phallus.
13. Dance on a bar on State Street. The Rat’s closed, but don’t let that stop you.
14. Stomach a meatball sub at Pepe’s. Slimy yet satisfying.
15. Protest something. Just once.