Every year on Parade Day, through all of the Saint Patrick’s Day-themed debauchery, we students are in our simplest and most vulnerable states — completely drunk. Maybe it’s the Bailey’s breakfast or the mimosas or the Guinness keg stands or the Jameson showers, but this all-day drinking marathon is marked by everyone chugging alcohol like it’s Dublin.
Throughout a given day of Parade Day shenanigans, or at any decently rowdy party really, you will encounter the various types of drunk college kids, some more enjoyable and entertaining than others.
Shouting “I love you man,” the emotional drunk staggers back and forth, embracing everyone he knows, or doesn’t know. If you station this kid at a couch, he’ll be there for hours snuggling up to whomever pops a squat. An extreme case of the emotional drunk is the crying drunk. This is sometimes accompanied with awkward confessions that only increase the attention-seeking whore’s behavior. Most likely this drunk will be handed off to everyone in shifts, as they are buzz-killers.
The sexual drunks are ready to jump some bones and have lost their own standards. They usually don’t throw themselves at random people and have some semblance of morals. But when they’re a couple drinks deep, it’s hookup happy time.
Beware the Charlie Sheen of the party. This character drinks an entire bottle of liquor to pregame. He might as well be an Olympic beer pong player. In the morning, he’ll be beer bonging for shits and giggles. Be careful of this one, as he is aware of his powers and will destroy you. Lightweights beware; do not try to go shot for shot with this tank.
A close relative to this extreme boozehead is the angry, destructive drunk. These drunks partake in various forms of vandalism for no other reason other than feeling like it. Waking up to holes in your wall is just the beginning. Unless you want your place looking like scum city, I would suggest cutting this one off before blackout-kill-mode. You may even consider settling their aggressive needs with minor wrestling matches. In this case you could potentially end up with a fat lip, but it will calm any destructive cravings.
Next, turn right to the dance floor and you will see the dancing machine drunks. Left and right they are busting out killer dance moves. They know every lyric to every song and don’t leave the dance floor unless the DJ booth has caught fire.
It’s important to remember that any and all of these types can revert to sloppiness. There is a fine line between life of the party and messy obliteration. And even the usually cautious drinker can have a bad night — brutal falls, gruesome puke sessions, embarrassing hook-ups, you know how it is. We’ve all been there, so have some sympathy.
If you’re one of these drunks, you have your place at the party, at least in moderation. And if you’re not one of these types of drinkers, I suggest you handle each kind of intoxicated person with caution.