Let me preface this by stating that more likely than not, I’m a plant by the liberal media, infiltrating the journalistic integrity of Pipe Dream and deceiving you all with my innocent looks and sassy opinions. Hell, who is to say this article wasn’t ghostwritten by the CIA or that the campus itself isn’t a simulation due to your involuntary participation in a mind control experiment? Whoa, mind blown.

Maybe these claims seem a little ridiculous or, dare I say it, STUPID. That’s because they are. This is what the newest wave of conspiracy nuts sounds like to anyone with more than two brain cells. These conspiracies are spreading around the Internet like a bad G.I. virus, spewing garbage and vitriol onto impressionable young minds. You’ve surely heard the latest claims that the Sandy Hook Massacre was a hoax and that there is a strange significance to Obama’s following of 666,000 people on Twitter.

I have two bones to pick with these theorists. First, there are glaring contradictions within nearly all of these recent claims. Of course the media got a lot of facts wrong following the shooting, and for that we must fault them. However, that isn’t cause to jump to conclusions. Simple explanations for these events make a lot more sense than the invented ones.

Second, the government doesn’t need these imagined events to sway you to its cause. If the government is willing to kill innocent children or fake Sandy Hook, martial law would already be implemented without all that fuss. A regime willing to commit such an atrocity against its own people wouldn’t bother with such covert means. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

No number of assault weapons will stop the most powerful military in the world. Don’t forget, our government has full access to your financial records and the legal freedom to tap your phones, read your emails and detain you without explanation or trial if you’re suspected of terrorist activity (The PATRIOT Act, please look it up).

All of these changes occurred right in the open with public support! We don’t need a faked massacre of elementary school children to yield our rights, and we need to stop giving ourselves so much credit.

The biggest injustices aren’t committed under the veil of conspiracy, but are openly accepted or ignored in a polyglot of useless coverage. Conspiracies simply offer a more exciting explanation. Instead of throwing around imaginary stories, let’s question the government’s less sensational actions.

The Obama administration needs to answer for the “Fast and Furious” gun scandal and countless drone strikes resulting in civilian deaths. Conspiracy nuts claim that the American people are finally waking up, but blind acceptance of an even less credible source than the mainstream media indicates otherwise. Intelligent, politically conscious adults grapple with facts. Sheep let charismatic figureheads do the thinking instead, be it the President or a megalomaniac with a YouTube account and too much time on his hands.