Conversation and communication are the foundation of any kind of relationship — platonic or romantic. Sometimes we think conversations are going well when they aren’t, making it difficult to assess and change the patterns we use to talk to others. Knowing the best responses for any given situation can help make others more comfortable around you.

There are two main types of verbal responses that people should be aware of, especially when responding to subjects about the speaker’s life — shift responses and support responses. A shift response occurs when people shift the topic or subject of conversation onto themselves, while a support response occurs when someone preserves the subject of the initial topic. It’s very important to understand that one response isn’t better than the other — these two responses are just tools used to make a conversation in which the person you are speaking to feels cared for and respected.

When I first learned about these types of responses, they were the only things I could think of when conversing with people. Learning about these two different responses made me appreciate those in my life who used support responses when I talked about issues. For some reason, I felt guilty if I diverted the conversation to me and my experiences by using a shift response. I thought that shift responses were solely bad and support responses were good, but neither are good nor bad. I didn’t know this yet, so I became paranoid and fixated on each response that I gave to someone instead of paying attention to the conversation as a whole. I wanted to give the people in my life a safe space to talk and was scared that I wasn’t already doing that. I wanted people to feel comfortable and open around me, and even though learning these responses did make me nervous in the beginning, I feel like I’m more equipped to give people that space now that I know how to properly utilize each response mechanism in different situations. I had only thought that a shift response was bad because of how frequently other people use it.

Support responses make people feel more focused on and bring the conversation back to how that person is feeling or what they are going through. Meanwhile, shift responses change the topic to something different.

Below are some examples of a shift response versus a support response:

Person A: “I had the most awful night.”

Person B: “Oh my gosh, I had the most awful morning.” (Shift response)

Person A: “I had the most awful night.”

Person B: “Oh no, what happened?” (Support response)

Person A: “I just had lunch with my dad.”

Person B: “I haven’t eaten lunch yet, but I think I will soon.” (Shift response)

Person A: “I just had lunch with my dad.”

Person B: “How was it?” (Support response)

It’s completely understandable that many people think shift responses are inherently good because they see them as a way to relate to the other person’s experiences and thus connect with others. However, when people feel like they are relating to others, they may actually be diminishing someone’s experiences and feelings by comparing them to their own. A shift in response to my anguish or grief has often made me feel ignored, invalidated and forgotten in other people’s own experiences. These feelings made me realize that not enough people use supportive responses to bring the focus back on the person speaking.

I wish, when I learned about these responses, someone had told me that both types of responses can be good. I just needed to know when to use them and give myself a moment to breathe. The more I gave myself that space and communicated with other people over what I said, the more I learned that the responses were supposed to aid whoever I was talking to.

Support responses are not inherently better than shift responses. They should just be used differently. If someone feels embarrassed or frustrated with themselves, that may be a good time to use a shift response so they don’t feel like they are alone in their shame and embarrassment. It’s hard to tell what response is best for what situation because conversations that call for a shift response are often situations that are less frequent than support responses. Shift responses are just used significantly more than support responses, but both have their relevance. When someone has a good understanding of these two responses and has practice using them in certain situations, both responses are good for when they need to be.

For example, if someone expresses that they failed a test that you also failed, a shift response would be significantly better here than a support response. A support response in this scenario may make it seem like you are being accusatory and attacking them.

When I share something that I’m upset about, I want to be heard and acknowledged. If I was upset and expressed to a friend that I failed a test, I wouldn’t want a supportive response of “Why didn’t you study on it?” or “Does that test make up a lot of your grade?” In that case, a shift response — one that helps the person be heard and emphasized with — will make them feel better because they know someone else who is going through the same experience as they are.

It’s not just one response that makes up a conversation. It’s about a pattern of responses that eventually make up a conversation. A supportive response is a good start, but the ideas behind these responses are about where the conversation gets centered on. If we use the previous example, a shift response is good, as long as the conservation shifts back onto the person who originally started the topic. These responses aren’t about the right or wrong things that people are saying, but are meant to show the beginning of conversations and how to lead better conversations. The best mindset when going into a conversation is to listen to what the other person is saying before jumping in with something about yourself. It’s still good to talk about yourself and your own issues, but we need to let people be heard.

Sydney Lee is a sophomore majoring in English.