A week has passed since Barack Obama’s historic victory in becoming the first African-American to be elected president of the United States (side note: It is also the first time the Electoral College was not instantly hated after the results were shown, though it was still ridiculed). On Nov. 4, the American people made their choice loud and clear: they want change. As it is a first to have a minority leader in the White House, it also raises the question of what other firsts are to come in the future. Here is a short list of what to expect …
1. First Female President of the United States
You probably forgot already, but Hillary Clinton ran in this election. However, she lost out to Barack Obama. The lady just can’t get a break. Her husband cheated on her, she lost the Democratic presidential nomination and she looks like one of those realistic wax sculptures. It might take a few more years, but there will be a woman in the White House, and let me just say that there’s nothing more appealing than a woman in power (as long as it’s not Sarah Palin).
2. First Human Clone
The first human cloning project will consist of two parts. The first part is to clone Jessica Alba. The second part will be for Jessica Alba to kiss herself.
3. First Alternate Energy Source
If you guessed hydrogen or electric, you’re wrong. It will be lard. That’s right, I said it. Our cars will run on the excess fat provided by obese Americans. Oil companies will offer free liposuction to overweight citizens in exchange for keeping whatever they take out. This will not only solve our dependence on foreign oil, but also our obesity problem in America. Soon, the United States will be the skinniest country in the world. Unfortunately, it will still be $4 per gallon (greedy oil/lard bastards!).
4. First Flying Car
Don’t ask me how it will run or when it will come out. All I know is it will probably be Japanese.
5. First Contact with Extraterrestrial Life
An advanced alien species will come to Earth in peace. They will offer us superior technology and more information about their solar system. In exchange, humans will give the aliens a Kanye West album, a certain hotel heiress who will fulfill all their needs (demo tape included), obesity and a feeling of deep regret (haters).
6. First Artificial Intelligence
This time, Google will search you.
7. First State to Legalize Marijuana
It will also be the happiest state in the country. Homicide and suicide rates will plummet. The only problem the state will face is the munchies. Brownie mix sales will increase tenfold.
8. First Time the World Will Be at Peace
We probably won’t be around to see this, but I truly hope this will come true.
All jokes aside, I am just so glad to see that we are ready to remove racial and social labels and see people as what they really are … people. Yes, we can.