This October I am faced with a question packed with moral anguish and ethical consequence: to wear, or not wear, an outrageously slutty costume this Halloween.
Never before having given in to this yearly female rite, this year I find myself actually considering the cliche move. My best friend is teeming with excitement over the possibility of bringing out the “Halloween hooker” in me.
Was Mean Girl Cady Heron right when she said, “Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it”? My schooling as a philosophy major hasn’t done much to help me solve this real-life moral predicament. However, it has taught me to evaluate arguments from both sides; therefore, I must weigh some pros and cons of Halloween sluttiness.
Pro: Everyone else is doing it. Female promiscuity has become a staple of Halloween. Dressing up as a dirty cop or slutty nurse is a completely normal thing to do on Oct. 31. It is common knowledge that you will see bare legs, dangling belly-button rings and plenty of cleavage. So why not join in the fun?
Con: Conformity. This “everyone else is doing it” motto runs the risk of sounding like an MTV anti-drug commercial. You’ve seen them, the “Above the Influence” ads where there is a sad puppy who is disappointed because the kid gave in and did drugs. Do I really want to conform to peer pressure? Will my puppy look at me in my slutty cop costume with those disappointed eyes? I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.
Pro: Good times with friends. Dressing up as a group can be a bonding experience among ladies. We may be whores, but we’re all whores together and that’s what counts. Pictures will be taken and I can look back and reminisce about our awesomely slutty outfits.
Con: Bad vibes with adults. With the growing number of parents and relatives on Facebook, I run the risk of my “sexy kitten” outfit getting tagged. This isn’t a pleasant subject for Thanksgiving dinner conversation. Also, with employers using Facebook as a spying tool, my one night of fun will be their lasting impression of me. No boss wants a real-life slutty secretary.
Pro: Getting laid. Fewer clothes equals more male attention. The probability of getting laid while dressed in a maid costume is way higher than if you were to dress as Beetlejuice. Furthermore, it’s harder for our male comrades to label us skanks and whores on this special holiday.
Con: Perverts. Do I really want to attract a male who likes the way I look in my slutty schoolgirl costume? I run the risk of attracting some real creeps here. And honestly, what kind of weirdo wants to bang a cat or bunny?
Pro: You’re only young once. Dressing up in a slutty costume is not something I can get away with my whole life. As a case in point, a couple of years ago my mom and dad went to a Halloween party as a sexy maid and a butler, permanently scarring my memory. This is not okay; please do not do this to your children.
Con: Shame and regret. Will I look back on myself and cringe like I do when I see middle school pictures of my eyeliner-polluted face and bad fashion sense? Those are hard to look at. I will also probably regret the decision to be slutty a week later, for I’ll have no money for food on account of the money I spent on a slutty costume I can’t return.
I have not yet made a decision on this pressing issue, but the clock is ticking and my days are numbered. If you have any words of guidance, I’d like to hear from you. I wish you all the best of luck in deciding your Halloween costume fate.