I can’t wait for this election to be over. I have never been so sick of anything in all my life, and that’s including the several million times I was subjected to “High School Musical” over the course of the last few years. Not only has this election dragged on for eternity and a day, it has become a bore of epic proportions, historic or not. Predicting the next scandal isn’t even fun anymore, and that, my friends, is a bad sign.
Maybe if we had the reality show to end reality shows, in which we combined “Fear Factor,” “American Idol” and some sort of obstacle course, I’d regain interest. Until then, I’ve concocted the Ultimate Election Night Drinking Game to get you through any rough moments in tonight’s continuous political coverage. I recommend investing in red and blue party cups and dye. That way, you can toast the results on a color-coded state-by-state basis, with the drink of your choice. Better yet is the fact that your mouth will become pleasantly purple, a metaphorical tribute to the fact that our country, when you average the extremists, is really pretty solidly in the middle.
Ground Rules: You’ll be needing your own red cup and blue cup. Full, of course. Also, red and blue M&Ms. Possibly a few green ones thrown in to taste. You should have both champagne and hard alcohol on hand, because depending on the returns, you may need one, the other or both. You can substitute the alcohol with a getaway vehicle, because fleeing the country may trump drinking. Choose wisely.
Occasion upon which you should sip: Every time a state’s returns come in, you must take a sip from the appropriately colored cup.
Finish your cup: Every time a swing state is decided, finish the correct cup. Refill immediately. These states include Ohio, Florida, Indiana, Missouri, North Carolina and New York. Just kidding, but it’s nice to think that your vote might matter, so drink anyway.
Take a sip: If the commentator of your choice says something stupid. I recommend staying away from Keith Olbermann and Bill O’Reilly if you plan to make it through the night. You should also take a sip if Anderson Cooper winks. Or if you think he’s looking through your television and into your eyes. Never mind, if that’s the case, you should stop drinking for the evening. Wage war for no reason on your friends, using the M&Ms as projectiles. If anyone mentions nuclear weapons or any other kind of warfare, start a food fight. If you get the M&M in someone’s cup, they have to finish their drink.
Finish your cup: If a station releases a final opinion on the direction a state is going to go, only to suddenly recall that opinion and tell you the other party has won. If this occurs more than once, turn off the television and walk away. Give up on democracy.
Take a large sip: Any time reference is made to previous electoral shenanigans. So basically, if you hear the word Florida, bottoms up! Any discussion of chads or voting fraud falls into this category as well.
Finish your cup: If CNN has any sort of lame graphic measuring something irrelevant in a completely unscientific and outlandish way. Actually, just drink heavily every time CNN tries to use a graphic of any sort.
Take a sip: If Joe the Plumber, Joe Six-Pack, Joe Biden or Joe-Mama are mentioned.
Finish your cup: Upon reference to Monica Lewinsky.
Good luck, team. See you on Nov. 5. Hopefully it won’t be at the border.