Ladies and Gents, welcome to finals week. Whether you’re the casual, “I’ve been prepping the entire semester” sort of studier or the intense “I’m gonna camp out in the library for eight straight days on an air-mattress in a large study-room shanty-town set up, while only consuming caffeine, cigarettes and pages from my notebook when I’m too wired and/or tired to know the difference” sort of studier, finals week can be a stressor of epic proportions. While we college coeds deal with varying degrees of stress on a daily basis, emotions and intensity seem to be particularly high during this period. So, for that very reason, it’s important for us to minimize the anxiety in our lives so as to have clear heads and no distractions for studying. Of course, there are many ways, both legal and illegal, to go about alleviating the sort of negative emotions that will impede studying. But there is one primary stress-reliever that I feel might reap the most mental (and physical) benefits. That’s right, I’m talking about good sex.
A good lay with Studly Sam or Beautiful Britney can clear your mind and sharpen your senses. One or more solid sexual sessions, and you can instantaneously (or at least after a nap) jump higher, run faster, read twice as fast and retain more information than the walls of Glenn G. Bartle Library can hold. Think of it as training for an athletic contest … but instead of training, you’re banging a hot gal or guy with your respective one-eyed yogurt thrower or hot, quivering love-purse.
I must say though, as ludicrous as it is to claim that “regular” sex might not be enough to study for finals, I think it’s fair to believe that this is not the regular ball game (pun intended) you’ve become accustomed to this semester. While you might have had the foresight earlier on this year to have plenty of pelvic-popping or gravity-defying sex leading up to big tests, finals week will prove to be a whole new set of challenges, with much more studying and much less time to actually have the aforementioned good sex for stress relief. It is for that reason that I’m purposing we save time and combine the sex with the studying to produce the ultimate finals week cocktail (pun unintended). With the ideas below, your grades will soar to new heights and you will be getting laid to boot:
1) Write your notes on his or her naked, nubile body. Where’s the fun in staring at a lined notebook for hours on end? Instead, you should write notes on your partner’s back with edible ink and simply remove them with your tongue as you’ve memorized the information.
2) Have mind-blowing sex and read your notes aloud at the same time. Of course it’s a wonderful thing to lay assault on her bushy battleship with your purple-headed pirate, but imagine how much fun and how truly productive it could be to shout your notes in between screaming obscenities. Talk about effective memorization!
3) Instead of a group study sesh, how about a group orgy sesh? I’m a firm believer in strength in numbers, and when you combine the collective minds of a group with the collective fish tacos and throbbing flesh spears of destiny you would have, it is almost certain that everyone would benefit both academically and sexually from this collective copulation conference.
Lastly,
4) Associate each term or phrase you need to memorize with a different sexual position you and your lover can (attempt to) perform. Sure, you could very well cause a scene during the actual test when you’re trying to remember an equation in your head. But, knowing that your methods of memorization involved trying moves such as the “Flaming Four-Legged Frolic”, the “Flying, One-Handed Parallel Penis Park” or the “Acrobatic Dutchmen’s Daddy Long-Vein Dance” will almost certainly aid you in your quest to dominate final exams!
So, good luck with your sexual studying sessions!