Pause briefly in your quest for the spare change between your couch cushions.
New numbers have been released showing that January was a particularly dismal month in the ever more depressing economic downturn, now officially deemed a recession. This, while not necessarily surprising, has left us feeling all the more depressed about our prospects in the immediate future, to say nothing of the distant future in which we will be responsible for coming up with the dough to pay off the stimulus plans and bailouts to come.
As exciting as the prospect of losing all your money may seem, the honor of knowing that your future taxes won’t be likely to go down pales in comparison to the fact that you’re going to be facing the job market in either a few months, or at best, a few years. To soften the blow in the meantime, we’ve decided to provide you with a drinking game designed to ease you through the panicked moments where you realize that you may, in fact, become the 30-year-old basement dweller of your parents’ house.
Take a drink … every time someone asks what your plans are for next year. Make it two if you don’t have an answer to that question that doesn’t in some way resemble a euphemism for “mooch.”
Down a shot of Admiral Nelson … every time a job you might have considered gets outsourced. On the plus side, if the economy continues to go up in smoke, it might actually become cheap enough for developing countries to send their menial labor here. Don’t expect a benefits package, but at least you can die early as a result of poor working conditions and end the miserable grind.
Enjoy a quick burst of Mr. Boston … every time a CEO is found to have celebrated the bailout/stimulus package by going to a $400,000-a-minute spa or made some other trivial purchase that further restores our faith in the fact that they are truly the most highly paid idiots to be found.
Chug a Bazooka … every time someone in the government cites the recession as a figment of your imagination or merely a short-lived phenomenon.
Sip your Carlo … if you already have a job lined up, and you pity the poor sots that aren’t so lucky. Even if you don’t pity them, you ought to drink up. With things really hitting the fan, this isn’t the time to mess with your karma.