In the world of picking up guys and gals at the bar, the pickup line is an often misunderstood creature. What used to be a potential joke between chums, or something to say to a prospective female hook-up to get a playful smile, is now a bastardized, new age version where the inner desire and feeling of what pickup lines used to represent is lost. Back in my day, pickup lines stood for symbols of hook-up hope in an otherwise lonely, masturbation-filled world. But, alas, they have been reduced to primarily cliche, rude and downright sad expressions of lust. While the reason for their progressive deterioration is unknown, I have a strange suspicion that we men have gradually deadened this once dominant form of dialect between college co-eds by using it too often to produce our desired results. In the battle of wits that is hitting on a chick/dude, it is widely known that it’s mandatory that we carry the right ammunition at all times. The fact that the pickup line is no longer effective means that most of us men (and a few of you ladies out there) are without the sexual innuendo grenades that once allowed us to start conversation effectively. So, to help ameliorate the situation, I have proposed a list of new, modern twists on lines that (perhaps) were once relatively effective. If nothing else, these new versions might slowly but surely help bring the pickup line back to playful prominence in the game of drunken declarations of sexual need:

1) Instead of, “Nice shoes, wanna screw?” you can mix it up and show that you have a mastery of college-level vocabulary. Try saying, “I like your modest method of transportation. We should fornicate!”

2) While asking, “Are you from Tennessee, ‘cause you’re the only 10 I see,” is sweet and dandy, your point needs to be made more efficiently. No self-respecting college female wants to hear cutesy lines like this. You, Timothy Tightpants, must say, “Are you from Tennessee, cause I’d like to park my hot meat rod in your cock garage,” instead.

3) The line, “Is that a mirror in your pants, ‘cause I see myself in them,” is so old that your grandpappy probably used it to get in your grammy’s over-sized panties. You should use a phrase consistent with the times and continual emergence of new technology: “Is that your iPod, cause I’d love to be on your playlist … and by that, I mean how ‘bout I plug my fleshPod into your dick drive?”

4) Lastly, while some naysayers out there might tell you that a simple “hi” is enough (which, candidly, it really is), you need to be sure to greet the gal/guy you seek while cluing her or him in to what you want at the same time. Instead of “Hi,” try, “Hey, rather than waste time making meaningless small talk in an attempt to ultimately make a move and fail, how about we get out of here, go back to my dorm and take a ride on my bone roller-coaster?” (And, since pickup lines are fair for both sexes in the game of love/lust, girls can feel free to substitute “vaginal taco” for bone roller-coaster!)

While most, if not all, of the above lines might result in a slap in the face, a kick to the jimmy or a broken bottle on the head, it’s important to note that, if at first you don’t succeed, try again! In order for us to revitalize this forgotten and abused art, we must do so with unwavering commitment. If nothing else, you should remember that desperation is your ally in the war on endless masturbation/scissoring. So forge ahead and re-erect this once powerful art of wooing!