Note to self: For future reference, do not, I repeat, do not absentmindedly assume you have full perusing rights when a friend’s camera is left unattended. I will forever have the searing image of my friend and her beau amidst their nurse- (a stripping one, presumably) meets-horny-patient fantasy role-play. That is one lesson definitely well learned.

After several failed attempts to suppress the harrowing memory, I admittedly grew curious about the fantastical world of role-playing. Understandably, bringing eccentric characters and scripted scenarios into the bedroom is sure to spice up any bland sex life. Yet, what exactly is the allure about being someone you are not? Is it possible for the line between fantasy and reality to become so blurred that we end up playing these seductive roles outside of our sexual endeavors?

Constantly probed by my mother, the matchmaker, as to why I have not settled down, I am becoming increasingly tired of feeding her the same jaded response. “Mom, I’m still waiting to meet someone real.” Quite frankly, I am getting bored of seeing the same lackluster roles performed every time I go out. I don’t know how much longer I can bear meeting another overly pompous, beer-guzzling bro, or seeing yet another classy Beyonce-wannabe getting down and dirty on the dance floor. Those are the moments when you want to avert your eyes but, like a bad car accident, you can’t help but watch the debacle transpire. In all honesty it would be much more entertaining if people began going out as their sexual role-playing personas, rather than putting on another sham performance for an audience who just doesn’t give a shit.

While on line for the lady’s room that was so dreadfully long it made waiting at the DMV seem propitious, I overheard the girl in front of me complaining to her friend how the loser macking it to her all night has no “game.” After personally experiencing plenty of unfavorable encounters with the aforementioned game, I had to stop myself from saying out loud, “No game? That’s hot.” Time and time again I am faced with the same predicament when placed at the receiving end of the modern-day art of wooing. While mack daddy is too preoccupied with mastering the cool vibe to say anything of interest, I am left to bear yet another painfully mundane conversation. At times like these, even watching a season of “The Hills” seems more intriguing than this tiresome performance.

For those who are into bad acting, do not be too surprised to discover within a matter of time that he or she is not the same person you initially presumed. Unfortunately, sustaining the act becomes rather fatiguing and the truth will eventually bear its not-so-sexy face. Guys, did you ever meet a girl you thought you had a genuine connection with until out of the blue she turns into a total raging bitch? Well, if this so-called bitch phase occurs irregularly for the span of over a week (i.e. not during PMS), it is simply because, gasp, she is a total bitch. Sometimes it just takes time before one is comfortable enough to let the beast out of its cage. And girls, have you ever been with a guy for a while only to find yourself saying, “I miss the old you, the real you.” Perhaps you are referring to the master-wooer who perfectly executed his lines during one of many successful performances.

Seeing an actor for the first time outside of a role is similar to the experience many guys have when seeing a girl for the first time without makeup. Or when a girl sees a guy for the first time outside of the dimly lit bar only to wish they stayed inside where the lighting fixtures are minimal. It takes much practice and discipline to maintain a straight face when your Jake Gyllenhaal look-alike turns out to be the body double for Christopher Walken.

As for the faulty performers, good luck in keeping up with that old act. What a tiresome job it must be to contemplate over the “right” words to say beforehand. Think about all the time and energy wasted on giving off “the right impression” when the act is destined to bomb from the get-go. Rather than taking the complicated route in making a love connection, why not leave the role-playing for the bedroom and find someone with whom the effort comes au naturel?

And as a quick aside, I would like to give much-deserved esteem to all my gay and lesbian friends who are continually ostracized by our “justice-serving” Congress for their refusal to play a role in their festering orgy of mindless pricks.