Since it has become commonplace to celebrate each holiday months before its actual appearance, I see nothing wrong with skipping to New Year’s at this late stage in December.

Remember New Year’s resolutions?

You used to make them and ignore them. I have, after many years of self-help books and existential crises, created the ultimate solution to letting yourself down. No, friends, we will not simply lower our standards ‘ we’ll just resolve ourselves to reality!

Resolve to:

Gain weight: Why tell yourself that you’ll go to the gym? You obviously won’t. Save yourself some serious self-loathing and just plan on packing on the pounds. Even if you fail your resolutions this year, you’ll be happy! That’s a real win-win situation.

Spend less time with the family: Help support our economy ‘ submit to the perpetually overworked culture!

Smoke more: I know it’s much more common to condemn smoking, but let’s look to the future. We aren’t going to be getting any Social Security and the plans for health care coverage only seem to be getting worse. We would do well to plan on dying young.

Get out less: Think you spend too much time on the computer? You probably do. Nevertheless, the world outside has things like allergens, weapons of mass destruction and plagues of locusts. Better to stay in ignorant bliss.

Help others less: Every year people resolve to make the world a better place by helping others. That’s silly. The others should help themselves. Besides, if you’re continually striving to better the world, you’ll only be left feeling woefully inadequate. Life has been pretty nasty, brutish and short thus far. Why fight tradition?

Now that you’re thoroughly inspired for the new year, I’d like to express my solemn commitment to helping you help yourself. I’m leaving you on your own. Good luck.