As I sat in the Information Commons today with a very tall friend of mine, we found ourselves wondering how long he would have to awkwardly wait to outsmart the two girls talking to us for ‘dibs’ on the computer in question. Now I know many people have written about the Information Commons, but instead of complaining and telling you the many things wrong with the system, I instead would like to make a few suggestions on how we can fix them.

The first step is easy enough. Block Facebook. While the rest of us hover around like the hyenas in The Lion King waiting to pounce on an opening computer, there you are stalking people you’ve never met and probably wouldn’t want to meet you if they knew you were stalking them. The Facebook madness must be stopped and I can think of no better place to draw a line in the sand than in the Information Commons.

Step two in the Info Commons cleansing process is inspired by the person who manages to get paid minimum wage to stand by the dressing rooms in Old Navy and put a one, two or three on the door depending on the item quota. What if there was a way for us to do that in the Information Commons? Each time I get up to print, I see no less than five pairs of eyes light up in preparation of a wild dogfight to the death for the abandoned computer. We can tell how much longer the dressing room in the Gap will be used for, so what if there was a way to notify everyone that within five minutes the computer would be free? Maybe a red strobe light or something; I’m flexible and willing to negotiate on that. As long as there is a way to make it clear that just because you are getting up does not mean you are finished, and this does not involve any awkward conversation containing the phrase, ‘Are you going to be done soon?’ This way, if no obnoxious red strobe light is coming from the Information Commons station, we can all assume that this person is not going to be done any time soon. We could have different color lights for five minutes or less, 10 minutes or less and half an hour or more. Just think of all the uncertainty that has now been eliminated from the equation.

The third and final step of Jonathan Schwartz’s ‘A plan for the Info Commons,’ is inspired by the good folks at the local delicatessen who kindly ask you to take a number when you walk in. Now this idea is going to sound radical, but I think there’s incredible potential for greatness here.

Imagine an Info Commons where you walk in and take a number. There would be a place specifically for the students anxiously awaiting a turn at the computers to sit and relax instead of circling around like buzzards waiting for someone to get up. They could even have an actual student-run delicatessen on location to provide people waiting with the nourishment to be at their most productive state once they can finally find a computer. Now I know there’s a coffee kiosk at the other end of the library, but I’m talking about a real deli here, with good, fresh sandwiches that don’t come wrapped in Glad Wrap. And we would get corporate sponsorship to pay for the giant number reader that dings whenever someone logs off and is directly connected to the red strobe light at the specific station so that the lucky individual with the displayed number knows exactly where his sacred Information Commons station is located! Every time the number changes, the lucky CEO who chose to sponsor the thing gets free advertising for his company, something every stockholder wouldn’t mind.

I promise that if these plans are followed the Info Commons experience will be drastically enhanced. So it is with utmost urgency that I ask everyone to pledge allegiance to the Jonathan Schwartz plan for the Info Commons ‘ with heady and organic sandwiches for all.

‘ Jonathan Schwartz is a junior economics major and the starting second basemen for Monkey Business, the soon-to-be crowned softball champions of the Southern Tier.