It might have been 3 a.m. I might have been pouring out my heart to a cab driver after a typical night of debauchery on State Street. Don’t judge. During the taxicab confessions, the source of my love life’s demise was revealed ‘ as the cabby put it: ‘Mixed signals of death.’

After discussing my self-sabotage, the cabby and I reached several conclusions on the fuzzy airwaves of flirting. So the next time you’re traipsing around scum city, wondering what you’re doing with your life, consider the following to decode any confusion.

Rule 1: Nice guys just want ass.

So the boy of your dreams invited you to his exclusive party. He makes sure you have your fair share of roofie-less mystery punch. What a sweetheart! He walks with you, interlocked hands, guiding you as you drunkenly stumble around. This dreamboat dances with you all night and kisses you on the forehead goodbye. The signs are obvious, he’s into you and different from the others.

Forget it. He has probably been playing the field with his knight in shining armor charm. So when you think someone is giving you all the ‘right signs,’ be aware you are probably not the only one. Nice guys are not exceptions.

Rule 2: The best friend for life is a dead end.

You’re connected at the hip. He’s always down for a rendezvous in the Nature Preserve. You two never miss a Tuesday BP competition at The Rat. All-nighters turn into sleepovers, so you have a toothbrush and sweats at his place. ‘Cuddle sesh?’ and ‘Down to spoon?’ are frequent texts. If we’re hanging out this much, he’s got to be into me right?

Negative. I am not one for overanalyzing, but read into the activities you do and the motivation behind them. From personal experience, getting lunch is another way of saying friend-zone. It’s safe; no one is going to try to jump your bones mid-wrap. It is the end to all romance. Yes I know, the Chenango Room seems like a date, but it’s still friendship lunch.

Rule 3: Once a drunk skank, always a drunk skank.

Turning a hoe into a housewife, or the player into a one-woman man, is possible ‘ but it doesn’t happen overnight. Once you are convinced he has changed, two minutes later you see him hooking up with a random girl on the dance floor. Actions speak louder than words.

And it goes both ways, for girls too obviously. I understand one blackout mistake and failing to get away, but if this is the weekly case, you’re getting played. You’ve got to stay sharp. For example, I was once fed the line: ‘I might like you better if we slept together.’ I laughed in his face.

Rule 4: The tease has to be brought into line.

The physical tease is a rare but mind-boggling pursuit. He’s always bringing you out, he pays for everything, but he doesn’t make a move. He’s a gentleman, but deep down he’s shy and scared of rejection; you’re going to have to let him know how you feel. If you’re flirty and affectionate, you’re conveying that you are emotionally invested and want something more. Otherwise, you’re just a tease too.

Four rules later, what have we learned?

College is one open relationship mixed with a series of attempts at monogamy, random hookups and fits of damage control. But as we have seen, in the long run the mixed signals lead to disappointment. So to avoid the hurt, make sure you understand what is happening between you and your potential love. Remember the rules. And at the risk of ruining what you ‘have,’ call them out.